It's been a long time since I've sat down to write. I have been so busy and while I'm really excited about where I am in my life, this blog was never about keeping you updated on me and my crew. I mean, where's the excitement in that? You all have your own crew to keep up with! I usually only write when something inspires me, a conversation or a thought...apparently, I haven't been very inspired lately! :)
As I have been absent here in recent weeks, my family has been going through some changes. My older two are really involved in college and their own lives. My oldest son moved away for college, so he only comes in on the holidays and my oldest daughter has a circle of friends, her job and her school that keep her busy. All in all, our daily lives look a lot different than they did 5 years ago. On a regular evening, it's not that big of a deal. We all adapt and my husband and I try to keep things as normal and structured as possible for the two up and coming kiddos. But apparently, the holidays are a time when these changes become a little more obvious.
Every year, for as long as as we've had children, we come home on the Wednesday before Thanksgiving and have a cookie frosting party. Always. Even Bill gets involved - and for my sweet Grinch, that is saying something! This year, however, my son is in from school and he is my oldest daughter got together with some mutual friends and went to dinner and a movie. My younger son has some friends who are in town just for the week and he wanted to go play some B-ball with them for a couple of hours. So driving home, it was my and my wee girl, alone. She silently began to weep next to me. "You mean no one is coming home? Just you me and daddy? But mamma, we always frost cookies together the night before Thanksgiving!" she sobbed. It was heartbreaking! "Everything is changing" she continued. "I wish nothing ever had to change, I wish everything would always stay the same." As I sat in the driver's seat, I saw this change through the eyes of an 11 year old. I was thrown back in time to the days when my oldest was 11! We were so entrenched in all of our holiday traditions by then. There was no question exactly how things were going to go, and we all loved it. How sad for someone so young to feel like all of that is being snatched away. It became very obvious to me that a huge responsibility was resting on my shoulders.
As we drove and she cried, I explained that life is all about change. Things are always going to be changing, people moving on, people moving out. But I told her that we can create new traditions for the rest of us. We began to wrack our brains for ways she would like to begin filling in some of the empty space where old traditions were and replace them with new ones. It was an amazing conversation. We stopped at Sonic and got milkshakes -- I think that's going to be a new tradition! Then we got home and she climbed up on the bar and helped me crumble up the cornbread for the dressing while we just talked about everything. It was beautiful. I asked her if she wanted to frost cookies and turns out, she really wasn't that interested in that tradition. I think she just needed to feel like there was still connection to me and to the holidays. The specific activity was besides the point.
As I pondered all of this through the evening, I realized that this must be something every family goes through; whether you lose someone through them fleeing the nest, or through divorce, or even death. It is imperative for those who are left, that you don't just curl up and wait for the holidays to go away. Especially if there are children left at home who need some normalcy and need to feel like they're as important as the ones who have moved on. Over these next weeks, I'm going to be having lots of conversations with my younger ones and we are going to come together to find new traditions we can create with them.and yet still try to keep up with some of our old ones. Mainly, I want them to know that just because our life is changing and their older siblings are moving on, that THEY are still important and have many years of ahead of new and exciting things to look forward to.
Family is family -- even if your family shrinks, you're still a family! It is important that every member of the family feel they are connected, loved and cherished. Just because you may be missing one this year, don't forget, that you are no less a family!!! Happy Thanksgiving!!
Thursday, November 27, 2014
Friday, September 19, 2014
"I just...I just want someone to love me."
I've been asked by several people lately why I haven't been blogging. I'm not really sure of the answer except to say that I just haven't felt inspired. There are dozens of people who blog every day about the ins and outs of their every day lives. I have never been that type of blogger. I just talk to you when I have something to say. Lately, I've had little to say.
There has been a lot going on in our lives lately and summer was insane. But nothing to write home about, if you know what I mean! My son left for college a few weeks ago and while that was a major milestone for us, I really just didn't want to delve into that on here. I would start blubbering like an idiot and the ink would smear...OK, just go with me...use your imagination! Surely we all remember that when you write a letter with an actual ink pen, the ink smears if it gets wet!! Other than that major event, nothing really exciting has happened. Except, that I am now a counselor. Yeah, that's a pretty big one!
I finished my classes and over the summer began my internship - I now have clients regularly and am working at a hospital in an outpatient treatment program. It has been an extremely exciting time for me; a culmination of 6 years of hard work, long days, endless nights, countless research papers, study guides, flash cards...the list goes on and on. But now that part of life is behind me and I am finally doing what I love to do, something I am incredibly passionate about.
I have been in this new internship site for two weeks now and have been exposed to some of the most interesting and, dare I say, courageous people. These are some of the most down trodden individuals I have ever come across, however, the majority of them come in with a smile on their face and excitement about the work they are doing. Daily I am faced with the realization that on my worst day, I have way more than most of them have on their best day. A day doesn't go buy when one of these precious people doesn't tug at my heart strings and remind me why I'm doing what I'm doing. One person in particular stands out to me this week. He was sharing some of his troubles and things he needs and suddenly he just hung his head and said "I just...I just want someone to love me." How many times in our lives have we uttered those words? Probably, pretty rare. . My life has not always been a smooth ride but I've always had someone that loved me and cared about me.
Every day as I talk to these people and listen to their stories and try to ease their pain, I am reminded of how much I have. I started to say "how blessed I am," but many of these people believe they are blessed also and say as much on a daily basis. It makes me want to be careful about using that term in a way that makes it seem as if someone who doesn't have a life similar to mine, is not 'blessed.' So many things in life, so many things we go through and how we deal with those things are sometimes, simply a matter of perspective.
Today I have a roof over my head, beautiful, healthy children, a strong marriage, a great car, a bright future. However, if I lost some or all of those things, would I no longer be blessed? This experience has really made me take stock of what my blessings are and what I plan on doing with them. Are you blessed today? Can you see around your problems, heartaches and disappointments and see blessings in your life? I'm working on that...I'm not fully there yet...but I am a work in progress!
There has been a lot going on in our lives lately and summer was insane. But nothing to write home about, if you know what I mean! My son left for college a few weeks ago and while that was a major milestone for us, I really just didn't want to delve into that on here. I would start blubbering like an idiot and the ink would smear...OK, just go with me...use your imagination! Surely we all remember that when you write a letter with an actual ink pen, the ink smears if it gets wet!! Other than that major event, nothing really exciting has happened. Except, that I am now a counselor. Yeah, that's a pretty big one!
I finished my classes and over the summer began my internship - I now have clients regularly and am working at a hospital in an outpatient treatment program. It has been an extremely exciting time for me; a culmination of 6 years of hard work, long days, endless nights, countless research papers, study guides, flash cards...the list goes on and on. But now that part of life is behind me and I am finally doing what I love to do, something I am incredibly passionate about.
I have been in this new internship site for two weeks now and have been exposed to some of the most interesting and, dare I say, courageous people. These are some of the most down trodden individuals I have ever come across, however, the majority of them come in with a smile on their face and excitement about the work they are doing. Daily I am faced with the realization that on my worst day, I have way more than most of them have on their best day. A day doesn't go buy when one of these precious people doesn't tug at my heart strings and remind me why I'm doing what I'm doing. One person in particular stands out to me this week. He was sharing some of his troubles and things he needs and suddenly he just hung his head and said "I just...I just want someone to love me." How many times in our lives have we uttered those words? Probably, pretty rare. . My life has not always been a smooth ride but I've always had someone that loved me and cared about me.
Every day as I talk to these people and listen to their stories and try to ease their pain, I am reminded of how much I have. I started to say "how blessed I am," but many of these people believe they are blessed also and say as much on a daily basis. It makes me want to be careful about using that term in a way that makes it seem as if someone who doesn't have a life similar to mine, is not 'blessed.' So many things in life, so many things we go through and how we deal with those things are sometimes, simply a matter of perspective.
Today I have a roof over my head, beautiful, healthy children, a strong marriage, a great car, a bright future. However, if I lost some or all of those things, would I no longer be blessed? This experience has really made me take stock of what my blessings are and what I plan on doing with them. Are you blessed today? Can you see around your problems, heartaches and disappointments and see blessings in your life? I'm working on that...I'm not fully there yet...but I am a work in progress!
Saturday, May 10, 2014
"Mamma, who is Alice Rose?"
The other day my little girl, who is now eleven, said "mom, don't be mad, but I need to ask you a question." Of course, this intrigued me, I can't think of a time I ever got angry because they had something to ask or talk to me about. I am typically, very calm and laid back about most things. So, I was a little worried but said "ok, ask." She took a deep breath and said "mamma, who is Alice Rose?" I was stunned; I hadn't heard that name in a long time so I said "Why do you ask?" She said "I found a box in the top of the closet with her name on it...do I have a sister I don't know about?" She looked worried and excited all at the same time. I asked her where the box was and we crawled up on the bed and I told her the story of little Alice Rose.
Back in 1999 we were stationed in Rota Spain and I found out I was pregnant. My older two were 3 & 4 at the time. My oldest, a girl, was SO excited at the prospect of a baby -- she was so sure from day one that this was going to be a sister and no one would ever convince her any differently. In the beginning of the pregnancy, I was excited but also aware that it was early and something could still happen. By the time I got to 10 weeks I was beginning to feel pretty confident that everything was going to be okay. I kept a pregnancy journal, we talked to the baby, sang to the baby, bought the baby clothes and shoes (girl stuff, of course!) We even bought a car seat/stroller combo which we all put together. Life was perfect. I was the happiest woman on the planet, truly, and nothing could dampen my spirits.
Until Sept 3...I started spotting. I went to the clinic on the base where they assured me everything was fine, it was normal, just the baby settling in. I went home feeling relieved only to wake up the next morning and find that I was bleeding even more. I went in to the clinic again, they did a pregnancy test that showed my levels were very high, great news. Then they decided to do an ultrasound, just to put my mind at ease. The doctor did not like what he saw so he paged the OBGYN who took one look at the ultrasound said "sorry, there's no baby there." I was confused, then obstinate. No way, there was no way the baby was just 'gone.' I had positive tests results, I was 14 weeks and already had a little baby bump. It was impossible. So then the doctor explained to me what a molar pregnancy was. When the egg and the sperm connected, one of them was lacking in adequate DNA so what started out as a baby became a tumor. A large mass of cells - a heartbreak. I was shell shocked and devastated and then angry and eventually fell into the deepest "depths of despair" to quote Ann of Green Gables. My sweet little girl was also heart broken, she wanted that baby so much. She asked me if she could name her so I said yes and she wanted to know if it was okay to name the baby after her (hence the Rose) and of course, I assured her it was perfect. And that is the story of Alice Rose.
After I explained all of this to my daughter, I opened the box of keepsakes. The hospital had given me a little box with a poem, and a tiny heart pillow and a tiny gold ring. Bill had brought me flowers in the hospital and I had received numerous cards. The box also contained the pregnancy test and the pregnancy journal I had kept. I read the various entries to my daughter then came up on the entry I had made the day the baby died. I want to share that with you.
"Today I found out that you no longer exist. Today I feel my heart is breaking. My tears flood but no relief comes. I miss you so much already. I miss the promise of you. The dreams I had for you. Tonight, for the last time, I lay my hands on my still full stomach where you lived for such a short time. I ache to know you and hold you. I am so sorry if I did anything to cause this. I loved you from the moment you were conceived. At this point I don't know if I will ever feel joy again...I miss you so bad...I feel so empty." (The next day, I had a D&C.)
Wow...I can't even write that without crying but there is a reason I wanted to share this. I look at the person I was then and everything that has happened in my life since that day. I have since had two amazing children, whom I might not have had otherwise. This miscarriage was a turning point in my life - more of the story that I can't even go into in this blog - but definitely this was a life changing moment for me. I remember that feeling of emptiness, the feeling that I would never be happy again. But, that was not to be. I overcame the depression, the incredible, overwhelming sadness. I made myself get out of bed every day, I cleaned and cooked and played with my children. Eventually, there were good days peppered in among the bad and eventually, the good ones out numbered the bad. And somehow, my little Alice Rose, became a distant memory. I am thankful for her because without that experience, I might not be the person I am today.
We will go through heartbreak in our lives...probably everyone reading this knows that by experience. But it won't last forever. The pain will ease, the bad days will become fewer. I would be remiss if I did not say how incredible God was to me during this time. He, the Great Comforter, had a plan for me that I could not see. He knew that I needed this loss in my life, for so many reasons I can't even count. He was also there to catch me when I fell. Nothing in life is permanent, not the good or the bad. Every day brings new experiences, new trials, new joys. Embrace all the moments; good and bad. We don't know God's plan for our life, we don't know where he is taking us. We just have to have faith that he is in control and he knows what is best for us! So if you're struggling with heartache - if the pain is so much you don't think you can take it... hold on!! It won't last forever...put your heart and your faith in the Lord. He will hold you, he will dry your tears like no one else...he truly is The Great Comforter!
Back in 1999 we were stationed in Rota Spain and I found out I was pregnant. My older two were 3 & 4 at the time. My oldest, a girl, was SO excited at the prospect of a baby -- she was so sure from day one that this was going to be a sister and no one would ever convince her any differently. In the beginning of the pregnancy, I was excited but also aware that it was early and something could still happen. By the time I got to 10 weeks I was beginning to feel pretty confident that everything was going to be okay. I kept a pregnancy journal, we talked to the baby, sang to the baby, bought the baby clothes and shoes (girl stuff, of course!) We even bought a car seat/stroller combo which we all put together. Life was perfect. I was the happiest woman on the planet, truly, and nothing could dampen my spirits.
Until Sept 3...I started spotting. I went to the clinic on the base where they assured me everything was fine, it was normal, just the baby settling in. I went home feeling relieved only to wake up the next morning and find that I was bleeding even more. I went in to the clinic again, they did a pregnancy test that showed my levels were very high, great news. Then they decided to do an ultrasound, just to put my mind at ease. The doctor did not like what he saw so he paged the OBGYN who took one look at the ultrasound said "sorry, there's no baby there." I was confused, then obstinate. No way, there was no way the baby was just 'gone.' I had positive tests results, I was 14 weeks and already had a little baby bump. It was impossible. So then the doctor explained to me what a molar pregnancy was. When the egg and the sperm connected, one of them was lacking in adequate DNA so what started out as a baby became a tumor. A large mass of cells - a heartbreak. I was shell shocked and devastated and then angry and eventually fell into the deepest "depths of despair" to quote Ann of Green Gables. My sweet little girl was also heart broken, she wanted that baby so much. She asked me if she could name her so I said yes and she wanted to know if it was okay to name the baby after her (hence the Rose) and of course, I assured her it was perfect. And that is the story of Alice Rose.
After I explained all of this to my daughter, I opened the box of keepsakes. The hospital had given me a little box with a poem, and a tiny heart pillow and a tiny gold ring. Bill had brought me flowers in the hospital and I had received numerous cards. The box also contained the pregnancy test and the pregnancy journal I had kept. I read the various entries to my daughter then came up on the entry I had made the day the baby died. I want to share that with you.
"Today I found out that you no longer exist. Today I feel my heart is breaking. My tears flood but no relief comes. I miss you so much already. I miss the promise of you. The dreams I had for you. Tonight, for the last time, I lay my hands on my still full stomach where you lived for such a short time. I ache to know you and hold you. I am so sorry if I did anything to cause this. I loved you from the moment you were conceived. At this point I don't know if I will ever feel joy again...I miss you so bad...I feel so empty." (The next day, I had a D&C.)
Wow...I can't even write that without crying but there is a reason I wanted to share this. I look at the person I was then and everything that has happened in my life since that day. I have since had two amazing children, whom I might not have had otherwise. This miscarriage was a turning point in my life - more of the story that I can't even go into in this blog - but definitely this was a life changing moment for me. I remember that feeling of emptiness, the feeling that I would never be happy again. But, that was not to be. I overcame the depression, the incredible, overwhelming sadness. I made myself get out of bed every day, I cleaned and cooked and played with my children. Eventually, there were good days peppered in among the bad and eventually, the good ones out numbered the bad. And somehow, my little Alice Rose, became a distant memory. I am thankful for her because without that experience, I might not be the person I am today.
We will go through heartbreak in our lives...probably everyone reading this knows that by experience. But it won't last forever. The pain will ease, the bad days will become fewer. I would be remiss if I did not say how incredible God was to me during this time. He, the Great Comforter, had a plan for me that I could not see. He knew that I needed this loss in my life, for so many reasons I can't even count. He was also there to catch me when I fell. Nothing in life is permanent, not the good or the bad. Every day brings new experiences, new trials, new joys. Embrace all the moments; good and bad. We don't know God's plan for our life, we don't know where he is taking us. We just have to have faith that he is in control and he knows what is best for us! So if you're struggling with heartache - if the pain is so much you don't think you can take it... hold on!! It won't last forever...put your heart and your faith in the Lord. He will hold you, he will dry your tears like no one else...he truly is The Great Comforter!
Monday, March 17, 2014
Today was my birthday. I know as an adult, I am supposed to have outgrown all the things kids like about birthdays, but I just haven't been able to accomplish that as of yet! I love presents and I love surprises and I love when someone goes to the effort to make me feel special. As this birthday was looming, I knew it was going to be different. It fell on a week day and a day when I have class at night. So, I knew I was going to spend the day by myself and then have to go to class just as all of my family was coming home and settling in. I thought I was okay with that. I was wrong.
My alarm woke me up at 5:30 this morning and as I rolled over to get out of bed, my husband stopped me. He said "it's your birthday, I've got this." Now, you have to know my husband to realize how big of a deal this is!! He likes his sleep and has been spoiled for a long time and has not had to do this very often. The kids are on a staggered bus schedule, so it is can be a complicated process. Then there is the packing of the lunches, ensuring everyone has their back packs ready to go, keeping any eye out for the bus while the child find their belt, id card, brain...yeah, you have to be a well-oiled machine! Then there are the personalities of the children. I have two that are absolute bears in the morning. I have learned that they just need space in the morning and are not really capable of conversation at all. If you do not understand this, things can go down hill very quickly!! As I laid in bed, I waited for the inevitable discord that would ensue because, well, their dad isn't exactly familiar with the early morning children versus the late afternoon children! Alas, however, the discord did not develop! It was so peaceful, I even fell back asleep! I woke up frantically a little while later and was quite sure someone had missed the bus. And yet, there they were, watching patiently for the bus, all dressed, fed and ready to go, two down and only two left. I was amazed and impressed with my husband! I decided to snuggle back into bed and accept the fact that I was dispensable!!
I woke up later in the day and was excited for a quiet lazy morning but as the day wore on, I became kind of bummed. I realized that I was going to spend my entire birthday alone and then when my family got home, I would be gone. It became such a big deal, I actually found myself wanting to just sit down in a corner and cry! I felt like the entire day was going to pass and there would be no one to acknowledge my birthday and that nothing special was going to happen. I did not want to pick up the phone and call anyone because it was so pathetic and there was no way I was going to cry on anyone's shoulder! So, I turned to the one person who is always there for me...the one true friend I can rely on when I feel as if I am all alone. I prayed for comfort for my ridiculous feelings. I told the Lord how much I loved birthdays and how I just wanted this one to mean something, I just wanted something different to happen...I just wanted to feel special for 5 minutes!! I asked God to just let something wonderful, no matter how small, to happen.
My 13 year old son came home from school and came into the living room immediately and wished me happy birthday then told me he had a present for me. He pulled a bag of Skittles out of his pocket, an open, nearly empty bag of Skittles. I thought it was so sweet that he was sharing with me then I opened the bag and saw that the candy that was left were all purple and red; my favorite flavors. This young boy had deliberately chosen to NOT eat the ones he knew his mom loved and ate all the other ones. It was my first gift of the day and, quite honestly, the best one. It was the sacrifice, the unselfishness he displayed. He made me feel like a princess.
Then my 11 year old daughter came home and immediately hugged me and asked me what I wanted to do before I had to go to school. So we sat together and watched one of our favorite shows and afterwards I told her that I was so sad I had to leave and she looked at me and said "mom, please don't go. Please stay home with us. It's your birthday!" That was it. I was gone in that moment and decided this was more important than any class. The way her face lit up when I told her I decided to play hooky was priceless! Knowing that she wanted to spend my birthday with me, knowing it meant that much to her, that made me feel special.
My college aged daughter then came home with bags of goodies in which I was not allowed to look. She ordered me to stay out of the kitchen for the foreseeable future. They were all in the kitchen for awhile, then they disappeared upstairs for some mysterious reason. I was in the living room reading when I heard my son yell to me to go to the back patio. I walked out the door and into the yard and there, on top of the roof of my patio, were three of my children with laundry baskets full of balloons they dumped on my head while they yelled "Happy Birthday!!" It was precious and made me feel so loved!
My husband then came home and he too, disappeared into the kitchen. I was once again left alone in the living room until I was led to the kitchen table. There were two cakes...well sort of. On one plate there were 4 Hostess cupcakes loaded with candles. This 'cake' was my husband's idea of a birthday surprise for me. On the other plate was a chocolate cake with chocolate frosting full of candles that my kids had made for me. They were all 5 just standing there looking at me, so proud of themselves and what they had managed to pull off. It was the most beautiful sight! I blew out my candles wondering what a woman wishes for when she has everything in the world.
Today started out kind of gloomy, but ended up being amazing. I got my birthday present a couple of months ago, so I wasn't expecting anything today. But I really did not need anything big or expensive to make me feel loved and appreciated. A card from my kids in which they tell me how much they love me, my husband letting me sleep late while he took care of the kids, my daughter buying me balloons and making me a cake, my son giving me all of his red and purple Skittles -- none of things cost much as at all, and yet everyone of them were priceless to me. I'm so thankful the Lord heard the cries of this pathetic, birthday girl and let not one special things happen, but many! I think I must be the most blessed woman in the world!!
My alarm woke me up at 5:30 this morning and as I rolled over to get out of bed, my husband stopped me. He said "it's your birthday, I've got this." Now, you have to know my husband to realize how big of a deal this is!! He likes his sleep and has been spoiled for a long time and has not had to do this very often. The kids are on a staggered bus schedule, so it is can be a complicated process. Then there is the packing of the lunches, ensuring everyone has their back packs ready to go, keeping any eye out for the bus while the child find their belt, id card, brain...yeah, you have to be a well-oiled machine! Then there are the personalities of the children. I have two that are absolute bears in the morning. I have learned that they just need space in the morning and are not really capable of conversation at all. If you do not understand this, things can go down hill very quickly!! As I laid in bed, I waited for the inevitable discord that would ensue because, well, their dad isn't exactly familiar with the early morning children versus the late afternoon children! Alas, however, the discord did not develop! It was so peaceful, I even fell back asleep! I woke up frantically a little while later and was quite sure someone had missed the bus. And yet, there they were, watching patiently for the bus, all dressed, fed and ready to go, two down and only two left. I was amazed and impressed with my husband! I decided to snuggle back into bed and accept the fact that I was dispensable!!
I woke up later in the day and was excited for a quiet lazy morning but as the day wore on, I became kind of bummed. I realized that I was going to spend my entire birthday alone and then when my family got home, I would be gone. It became such a big deal, I actually found myself wanting to just sit down in a corner and cry! I felt like the entire day was going to pass and there would be no one to acknowledge my birthday and that nothing special was going to happen. I did not want to pick up the phone and call anyone because it was so pathetic and there was no way I was going to cry on anyone's shoulder! So, I turned to the one person who is always there for me...the one true friend I can rely on when I feel as if I am all alone. I prayed for comfort for my ridiculous feelings. I told the Lord how much I loved birthdays and how I just wanted this one to mean something, I just wanted something different to happen...I just wanted to feel special for 5 minutes!! I asked God to just let something wonderful, no matter how small, to happen.
My 13 year old son came home from school and came into the living room immediately and wished me happy birthday then told me he had a present for me. He pulled a bag of Skittles out of his pocket, an open, nearly empty bag of Skittles. I thought it was so sweet that he was sharing with me then I opened the bag and saw that the candy that was left were all purple and red; my favorite flavors. This young boy had deliberately chosen to NOT eat the ones he knew his mom loved and ate all the other ones. It was my first gift of the day and, quite honestly, the best one. It was the sacrifice, the unselfishness he displayed. He made me feel like a princess.
Then my 11 year old daughter came home and immediately hugged me and asked me what I wanted to do before I had to go to school. So we sat together and watched one of our favorite shows and afterwards I told her that I was so sad I had to leave and she looked at me and said "mom, please don't go. Please stay home with us. It's your birthday!" That was it. I was gone in that moment and decided this was more important than any class. The way her face lit up when I told her I decided to play hooky was priceless! Knowing that she wanted to spend my birthday with me, knowing it meant that much to her, that made me feel special.
My college aged daughter then came home with bags of goodies in which I was not allowed to look. She ordered me to stay out of the kitchen for the foreseeable future. They were all in the kitchen for awhile, then they disappeared upstairs for some mysterious reason. I was in the living room reading when I heard my son yell to me to go to the back patio. I walked out the door and into the yard and there, on top of the roof of my patio, were three of my children with laundry baskets full of balloons they dumped on my head while they yelled "Happy Birthday!!" It was precious and made me feel so loved!
My husband then came home and he too, disappeared into the kitchen. I was once again left alone in the living room until I was led to the kitchen table. There were two cakes...well sort of. On one plate there were 4 Hostess cupcakes loaded with candles. This 'cake' was my husband's idea of a birthday surprise for me. On the other plate was a chocolate cake with chocolate frosting full of candles that my kids had made for me. They were all 5 just standing there looking at me, so proud of themselves and what they had managed to pull off. It was the most beautiful sight! I blew out my candles wondering what a woman wishes for when she has everything in the world.
Today started out kind of gloomy, but ended up being amazing. I got my birthday present a couple of months ago, so I wasn't expecting anything today. But I really did not need anything big or expensive to make me feel loved and appreciated. A card from my kids in which they tell me how much they love me, my husband letting me sleep late while he took care of the kids, my daughter buying me balloons and making me a cake, my son giving me all of his red and purple Skittles -- none of things cost much as at all, and yet everyone of them were priceless to me. I'm so thankful the Lord heard the cries of this pathetic, birthday girl and let not one special things happen, but many! I think I must be the most blessed woman in the world!!
Friday, March 14, 2014
Leave a light on...
Classes started back for me this past Thursday after nearly two weeks off. The break was amazing; I slept A LOT and caught up on TV shows I had missed and spent too much time watching Netflix! I spent a lot of time with my children and husband; enjoyed family dinners, games, movies. It was incredible. So when the time came for me to go back to school, it was extremely difficult to tear myself away.
On the flip side, I always get excited when classes start back. It is always thrilling to open a new text book, fill my binders with a stack of clean, white paper, print the syllabus for each class, fill out my calendar for the coming weeks...so many things to do and I love each one of them! I get a little giddy about delving into a new subject and learning something I have not yet learned. As you can see, this leaves me very conflicted!!
On one side of my life, I have 5 people who love me and depend on me and need me in a thousand different ways. On the other side of my life, I have my education and everything that entails. Family. School. Two completely different entities, two completely different loves, two areas of my life that don't exactly mesh well! When I'm with the family, I think about school and when I'm in school, I think about everything I am missing at home. Sometimes, especially at the beginning of a new quarter, I feel like my heart is being ripped out of my chest every time I pull out of the driveway. Sound a little dramatic? Perhaps, but it is no less real to me. Being a wife and a mother has been the most important thing to me for over two decades. Being a student for the last six years has not diminished that in the slightest. However, as a student, it is not enough to be adequate, I have high expectations for myself and accept nothing less than 100% effort on my part. So there are many times when I struggle with making sure everything and everyone gets exactly the amount of attention it/they need. Sometimes, I fail. And unfortunately, I fear that I fail at home.
It is easy to make sure a paper gets written by the due date or that I have sufficiently prepared for a test. It is more difficult to make sure I am available at the exact moment one of my girls is having a meltdown or that I am there when someone needs to break up a fight between the boys. I can't count the number of times I have been on the phone moments before class starts, putting out fires at the house. I rush off the phone and sit down in class only to be overcome with guilt that I am not there with my family.
As a mother, it is never easy to be torn between two worlds...two passions. We try to be Wonder Woman but, many times we fall short and we wonder if we have it in us to keep up the pace. If we are truly capable of holding it all together. I have those moments, times when I think the family will fall apart if I'm not there or that I am hurting my family because I am chasing my dreams. Then I will turn on to my street, tired in mind and soul and I pull up to my house and I see the warm glow of lights in the house and the porch light left on in anticipation of my return. And I get an incredible sense of peace wash over me. As I walk into the house and hear the quiet, stillness that is present, I realize that everyone is still alive and breathing. Homework is finished, kitchen is clean, dogs have been fed...we are team, my family and I. We're in this crazy life together and they know I want to be with them, but they understand how important this is to me. And contrary to my fears, no one has killed anyone, no one has ended up in therapy due to my absence, our family has yet to make it on the evening news -- overall, I think that's a pretty good record! I know that we will make it through this chapter in our lives and move into the next. And as long as they continue to leave a light on for me, I will always know that I am not alone and everything is going to be just fine.
On the flip side, I always get excited when classes start back. It is always thrilling to open a new text book, fill my binders with a stack of clean, white paper, print the syllabus for each class, fill out my calendar for the coming weeks...so many things to do and I love each one of them! I get a little giddy about delving into a new subject and learning something I have not yet learned. As you can see, this leaves me very conflicted!!
On one side of my life, I have 5 people who love me and depend on me and need me in a thousand different ways. On the other side of my life, I have my education and everything that entails. Family. School. Two completely different entities, two completely different loves, two areas of my life that don't exactly mesh well! When I'm with the family, I think about school and when I'm in school, I think about everything I am missing at home. Sometimes, especially at the beginning of a new quarter, I feel like my heart is being ripped out of my chest every time I pull out of the driveway. Sound a little dramatic? Perhaps, but it is no less real to me. Being a wife and a mother has been the most important thing to me for over two decades. Being a student for the last six years has not diminished that in the slightest. However, as a student, it is not enough to be adequate, I have high expectations for myself and accept nothing less than 100% effort on my part. So there are many times when I struggle with making sure everything and everyone gets exactly the amount of attention it/they need. Sometimes, I fail. And unfortunately, I fear that I fail at home.
It is easy to make sure a paper gets written by the due date or that I have sufficiently prepared for a test. It is more difficult to make sure I am available at the exact moment one of my girls is having a meltdown or that I am there when someone needs to break up a fight between the boys. I can't count the number of times I have been on the phone moments before class starts, putting out fires at the house. I rush off the phone and sit down in class only to be overcome with guilt that I am not there with my family.
As a mother, it is never easy to be torn between two worlds...two passions. We try to be Wonder Woman but, many times we fall short and we wonder if we have it in us to keep up the pace. If we are truly capable of holding it all together. I have those moments, times when I think the family will fall apart if I'm not there or that I am hurting my family because I am chasing my dreams. Then I will turn on to my street, tired in mind and soul and I pull up to my house and I see the warm glow of lights in the house and the porch light left on in anticipation of my return. And I get an incredible sense of peace wash over me. As I walk into the house and hear the quiet, stillness that is present, I realize that everyone is still alive and breathing. Homework is finished, kitchen is clean, dogs have been fed...we are team, my family and I. We're in this crazy life together and they know I want to be with them, but they understand how important this is to me. And contrary to my fears, no one has killed anyone, no one has ended up in therapy due to my absence, our family has yet to make it on the evening news -- overall, I think that's a pretty good record! I know that we will make it through this chapter in our lives and move into the next. And as long as they continue to leave a light on for me, I will always know that I am not alone and everything is going to be just fine.
Saturday, February 15, 2014
Let's talk about Valentine's Day!!
Valentine's Day. A day for many, filled with expectations. For others, mainly single people, it's a day that some dread because they feel it is a reminder that they have not yet found their soul mate. Whatever your feelings on the 14th of February, I would like to offer my perspective.
As you know, I have been married for more than 20 years. There have been times during those years when my husband did not meet the expectations I had for the holiday. It was kind of strange because it seemed to vary from year to year; one year I might get candy and a card and the next year, he did nothing. This past week I saw many posts on Facebook with women proclaiming they think the day is "stupid" or "over commercialized" all the while claiming they don't need a day set aside for their husbands to proclaim their love. I have, at one point or another, heard the same thing from my better half. And this is what I think about THAT...
I am not a materialistic woman. I don't need expensive gifts; please don't anyone EVER buy me a pair of diamond earrings or a pricey necklace! When my hubby and I were dating, sometimes he would stop by the store and buy me one of those little boxes of chocolate milk because he knew I loved it so much! A couple of times he stopped by a field and picked me a handful of wild flowers. I adored those flowers more than a $50 bouquet of roses from a florist. Why? Because the effort, the time and thought put into it meant more to me than the amount of money he spent. But let me tell you what happened. Baby #1, baby #2, baby #3 and baby #4 happened! Then they started growing...date night was pretty infrequent because by the time you paid a babysitter, there was little money for dinner or a movie, forget both in the same night! We needed diapers more than I needed chocolate milk! As for time, which everyone knows is far more precious than money, there was little of that left over as well. As the children all became school aged, we were spread between homework, carpool, ball games, ball practice, piano lessons, cheer practice, etc etc etc. Even though we proclaimed our love for each other on a daily basis, the sweet little gestures seemed to fall by the wayside. We were in the middle of raising four young children and that took all of our resources. Valentine's Day became a big deal. It was the one day (besides our anniversary) when we made sure we got a sitter, saved money for dinner and perhaps a small gift for each other. Did it mean that we did not love and care for each other the other 364 days of the year? No. Did it mean that we didn't show it in small, simple ways? No, of course we did. But this was the day to do something special, unique.
My husband didn't always understand how important this was for me. I remember a Valentine's day when he didn't even acknowledge it with a card. I was heartbroken. I was spending all day, everyday, taking care of children, changing diapers, transporting kids to and fro and while I loved my life, I really didn't think it was too much to expect my husband to take that one day and make me feel special. So, instead of getting mad at him, I just told him. He honestly did not realize that it was important to me and made the effort after that to do something nice. Usually, it wasn't a big deal, just something small and a card but I loved the message he wrote to me in the card. That was better than any piece of jewelry.
This year he did something completely different. I came home from class Monday night to find a huge Valentine Card on the bed. Ever day this week he surprised with a little something and it made me feel so loved and special. And I really appreciated him going to the effort. All in all, it probably didn't cost him more than $25, but for me, it was priceless.
Now, here is why I chose to write about this today. This is for all the young couples out there who think this day is stupid or unnecessary. Try not to be so rigid in your thinking. There will likely come a time when you are so busy, so strapped for time and money that the days of doing special things for each other all the time becomes a distant memory. Be open to the idea that having a day set aside to make a point to express your love, affection and appreciation might not be such a ridiculous concept. And to the young brides who want their husband to do something on this day, but they don't. TELL THEM! Communicate your expectations and disappointments with your spouse. I've been a young wife who sat back and saw all these other women being showered with gifts and felt left out; as if I wasn't quite special enough for my husband to make even the smallest gesture for me. Always remember that our husbands aren't mind readers and they are built different than women. They don't always understand what is going on within us and sometimes they just need some direction. I have no doubt my husband loved me, but sometimes, he just didn't know how to show it in the way I could receive it. And if you read this and still are convinced you don't need a day set aside for your spouse to show he loves you, then I am happy for you. But let the rest of us look forward to February 14th! For some of us, we might not slow down again until then!!
As you know, I have been married for more than 20 years. There have been times during those years when my husband did not meet the expectations I had for the holiday. It was kind of strange because it seemed to vary from year to year; one year I might get candy and a card and the next year, he did nothing. This past week I saw many posts on Facebook with women proclaiming they think the day is "stupid" or "over commercialized" all the while claiming they don't need a day set aside for their husbands to proclaim their love. I have, at one point or another, heard the same thing from my better half. And this is what I think about THAT...
I am not a materialistic woman. I don't need expensive gifts; please don't anyone EVER buy me a pair of diamond earrings or a pricey necklace! When my hubby and I were dating, sometimes he would stop by the store and buy me one of those little boxes of chocolate milk because he knew I loved it so much! A couple of times he stopped by a field and picked me a handful of wild flowers. I adored those flowers more than a $50 bouquet of roses from a florist. Why? Because the effort, the time and thought put into it meant more to me than the amount of money he spent. But let me tell you what happened. Baby #1, baby #2, baby #3 and baby #4 happened! Then they started growing...date night was pretty infrequent because by the time you paid a babysitter, there was little money for dinner or a movie, forget both in the same night! We needed diapers more than I needed chocolate milk! As for time, which everyone knows is far more precious than money, there was little of that left over as well. As the children all became school aged, we were spread between homework, carpool, ball games, ball practice, piano lessons, cheer practice, etc etc etc. Even though we proclaimed our love for each other on a daily basis, the sweet little gestures seemed to fall by the wayside. We were in the middle of raising four young children and that took all of our resources. Valentine's Day became a big deal. It was the one day (besides our anniversary) when we made sure we got a sitter, saved money for dinner and perhaps a small gift for each other. Did it mean that we did not love and care for each other the other 364 days of the year? No. Did it mean that we didn't show it in small, simple ways? No, of course we did. But this was the day to do something special, unique.
My husband didn't always understand how important this was for me. I remember a Valentine's day when he didn't even acknowledge it with a card. I was heartbroken. I was spending all day, everyday, taking care of children, changing diapers, transporting kids to and fro and while I loved my life, I really didn't think it was too much to expect my husband to take that one day and make me feel special. So, instead of getting mad at him, I just told him. He honestly did not realize that it was important to me and made the effort after that to do something nice. Usually, it wasn't a big deal, just something small and a card but I loved the message he wrote to me in the card. That was better than any piece of jewelry.
This year he did something completely different. I came home from class Monday night to find a huge Valentine Card on the bed. Ever day this week he surprised with a little something and it made me feel so loved and special. And I really appreciated him going to the effort. All in all, it probably didn't cost him more than $25, but for me, it was priceless.
Now, here is why I chose to write about this today. This is for all the young couples out there who think this day is stupid or unnecessary. Try not to be so rigid in your thinking. There will likely come a time when you are so busy, so strapped for time and money that the days of doing special things for each other all the time becomes a distant memory. Be open to the idea that having a day set aside to make a point to express your love, affection and appreciation might not be such a ridiculous concept. And to the young brides who want their husband to do something on this day, but they don't. TELL THEM! Communicate your expectations and disappointments with your spouse. I've been a young wife who sat back and saw all these other women being showered with gifts and felt left out; as if I wasn't quite special enough for my husband to make even the smallest gesture for me. Always remember that our husbands aren't mind readers and they are built different than women. They don't always understand what is going on within us and sometimes they just need some direction. I have no doubt my husband loved me, but sometimes, he just didn't know how to show it in the way I could receive it. And if you read this and still are convinced you don't need a day set aside for your spouse to show he loves you, then I am happy for you. But let the rest of us look forward to February 14th! For some of us, we might not slow down again until then!!
Friday, January 31, 2014
"Mom, he gave me a ticket for a free car wash...I'm not sure what to do."
When our children are little, we look forward to every 'first.' If at all possible we make sure we are there for the first smile, first laugh, first tooth, first step...first of everything! If we come home from a long day at work or a short trip to the store and find out that we were absent during a milestone in our child's life, we feel so dejected. This was a once in a life time experience and we missed it! So we fight and maneuver our way to ensure, to the best of our ability, that this doesn't happen. I remember when my oldest was about to lose her first tooth. I WANTED to be there! I wanted to be the one to pull it. I sent a note to her teacher and said to please not let her pull her tooth while she was at school. If I went to the store, I made sure my husband knew that I wanted to be there and he better not pull that tooth while I was gone!! A little obsessive? Yes, I suppose, but I had not missed anything in her life up to that point and I had no intention of starting! Thankfully, I was there when it was time for that wee little tooth to come out and to the best of my recollection, I haven't missed any of the major firsts of any of my four kids. I was able to stay home with them and every time I experienced a new developmental milestone with my children, I realized how incredibly blessed I was.
Time has passed quickly and that little kindergartner who was anticipating her first loose tooth has become a grown woman; a college student with a job, a car, a checking account. She is independent and smart and fairly self-sufficient. So, I always find it endearing when she encounters something she has yet to experience and needs my assistance. It is for this reason, when I received a phone call from her yesterday telling me that her inspection sticker was expiring in two days and she didn't know what to do, that my heart just kind of melted a little and I couldn't help the smile that took over my face. Of course, I told her I would go with her and show her where to go and what she needed to do. It was a learning experience; she did not have a her updated insurance card so we had to call her dad and have it faxed over and she had a fun time finding her registration in her less-than organized glove compartment! In the end, she learned something new about being an adult. I then took her to a place to have air put in her tires, another first that she has not had to experience. I left her there and went on my way to run errands and about two minutes later my phone rang. "Mom, he gave me a ticket for a free car wash...but I've never gotten a car wash before, I'm not sure what to do." Again, a smile broke out across my face and I patiently explained the procedure. She seemed kind of bashful and embarrassed because of her inexperience but I assured her that we all have to have firsts in order to learn new things. By the end of the day, she was empowered in new ways and next time she needs to take care of some simple vehicle maintenance, she will be very capable! Next week we learn about getting an oil change!
Maybe for some of you, these things seem so small. But, when you've never had to do these things, it can seem daunting. As a mother, my goal is to raise independent, self-sufficient, Christian adults who have good work ethic and are an asset to society. That being said, however, it is kind of sweet when a child who thinks they are so grown and so smart and know SOOO much, still come to you for help with things that to us, seem so simple. So, to add to all the firsts I never missed, first smile, first tooth, first word, I can now add first vehicle inspection, first tire maintenance and first car wash. The rewards of being a parents are all around us, in small, seemingly insignificant ways perhaps, but if you look for them, they are numerous!!
Time has passed quickly and that little kindergartner who was anticipating her first loose tooth has become a grown woman; a college student with a job, a car, a checking account. She is independent and smart and fairly self-sufficient. So, I always find it endearing when she encounters something she has yet to experience and needs my assistance. It is for this reason, when I received a phone call from her yesterday telling me that her inspection sticker was expiring in two days and she didn't know what to do, that my heart just kind of melted a little and I couldn't help the smile that took over my face. Of course, I told her I would go with her and show her where to go and what she needed to do. It was a learning experience; she did not have a her updated insurance card so we had to call her dad and have it faxed over and she had a fun time finding her registration in her less-than organized glove compartment! In the end, she learned something new about being an adult. I then took her to a place to have air put in her tires, another first that she has not had to experience. I left her there and went on my way to run errands and about two minutes later my phone rang. "Mom, he gave me a ticket for a free car wash...but I've never gotten a car wash before, I'm not sure what to do." Again, a smile broke out across my face and I patiently explained the procedure. She seemed kind of bashful and embarrassed because of her inexperience but I assured her that we all have to have firsts in order to learn new things. By the end of the day, she was empowered in new ways and next time she needs to take care of some simple vehicle maintenance, she will be very capable! Next week we learn about getting an oil change!
Maybe for some of you, these things seem so small. But, when you've never had to do these things, it can seem daunting. As a mother, my goal is to raise independent, self-sufficient, Christian adults who have good work ethic and are an asset to society. That being said, however, it is kind of sweet when a child who thinks they are so grown and so smart and know SOOO much, still come to you for help with things that to us, seem so simple. So, to add to all the firsts I never missed, first smile, first tooth, first word, I can now add first vehicle inspection, first tire maintenance and first car wash. The rewards of being a parents are all around us, in small, seemingly insignificant ways perhaps, but if you look for them, they are numerous!!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)