Today was my birthday. I know as an adult, I am supposed to have outgrown all the things kids like about birthdays, but I just haven't been able to accomplish that as of yet!  I love presents and I love surprises and I love when someone goes to the effort to make me feel special.  As this birthday was looming, I knew it was going to be different. It fell on a week day and a day when I have class at night.  So, I knew I was going to spend the day by myself and then have to go to class just as all of my family was coming home and settling in. I thought I was okay with that.  I was wrong.

My alarm woke me up at 5:30 this morning and as I rolled over to get out of bed, my husband stopped me. He said "it's your birthday, I've got this." Now, you have to know my husband to realize how big of a deal this is!! He likes his sleep and has been spoiled for a long time and has not had to do this very often. The kids are on a staggered bus schedule, so it is can be a complicated process. Then there is the packing of the lunches, ensuring everyone has their back packs ready to go, keeping any eye out for the bus while the child find their belt, id card, brain...yeah, you have to be a well-oiled machine! Then there are the personalities of the children. I have two that are absolute bears in the morning.  I have learned that they just need space in the morning and are not really capable of conversation at all.  If you do not understand this, things can go down hill very quickly!!  As I laid in bed, I waited for the inevitable discord that would ensue because, well, their dad isn't exactly familiar with the early morning children versus the late afternoon children! Alas, however, the discord did not develop! It was so peaceful, I even fell back asleep! I woke up frantically a little while later and was quite sure someone had missed the bus. And yet, there they were, watching patiently for the bus, all dressed, fed and ready to go, two down and only two left.  I was amazed and impressed with my husband!  I decided to snuggle back into bed and accept the fact that I was dispensable!!

I woke up later in the day and was excited for a quiet lazy morning but as the day wore on, I became kind of bummed. I realized that I was going to spend my entire birthday alone and then when my family got home, I would be gone.  It became such a big deal, I actually found myself wanting to just sit down in a corner and cry!  I felt like the entire day was going to pass and there would be no one to acknowledge my birthday and that nothing special was going to happen. I did not want to pick up the phone and call anyone because it was so pathetic and there was no way I was going to cry on anyone's shoulder!  So, I turned to the one person who is always there for me...the one true friend I can rely on when I feel as if I am all alone.  I prayed for comfort for my ridiculous feelings. I told the Lord how much I loved birthdays and how I just wanted this one to mean something, I just wanted something different to happen...I just wanted to feel special for 5 minutes!!  I asked God to just let something wonderful, no matter how small, to happen.

My 13 year old son came home from school and came into the living room immediately and wished me happy birthday then told me he had a present for me. He pulled a bag of Skittles out of his pocket, an open, nearly empty bag of Skittles. I thought it was so sweet that he was sharing with me then I opened the bag and saw that the candy that was left were all purple and red; my favorite flavors. This young boy had deliberately chosen to NOT eat the ones he knew his mom loved and ate all the other ones. It was my first gift of the day and, quite honestly, the best one.  It was the sacrifice, the unselfishness he displayed.  He made me feel like a princess.

Then my 11 year old daughter came home and immediately hugged me and asked me what I wanted to do before I had to go to school. So we sat together and watched one of our favorite shows and afterwards I told her that I was so sad I had to leave and she looked at me and said "mom, please don't go. Please stay home with us. It's your birthday!"  That was it. I was gone in that moment and decided this was more important than any class.  The way her face lit up when I told her I decided to play hooky was priceless! Knowing that she wanted to spend my birthday with me, knowing it meant that much to her, that made me feel special.

My college aged daughter then came home with bags of goodies in which I was not allowed to look.  She ordered me to stay out of the kitchen for the foreseeable future. They were all in the kitchen for awhile, then they disappeared upstairs for some mysterious reason.  I was in the living room reading when I heard my son yell to me to go to the back patio.  I walked out the door and into the yard and there, on top of the roof of my patio, were three of my children with laundry baskets full of balloons they dumped on my head while they yelled "Happy Birthday!!"  It was precious and made me feel so loved!

My husband then came home and he too, disappeared into the kitchen.  I was once again left alone in the living room until I was led to the kitchen table. There were two cakes...well sort of. On one plate there were 4 Hostess cupcakes loaded with candles. This 'cake' was my husband's idea of a birthday surprise for me. On the other plate was a chocolate cake with chocolate frosting full of candles that my kids had made for me.  They were all 5 just standing there looking at me, so proud of themselves and what they had managed to pull off.  It was the most beautiful sight!  I blew out my candles wondering what a woman wishes for when she has everything in the world.

Today started out kind of gloomy, but ended up being amazing.  I got my birthday present a couple of months ago, so I wasn't expecting anything today. But I really did not need anything big or expensive to make me feel loved and appreciated. A card from my kids in which they tell me how much they love me, my husband letting me sleep late while he took care of the kids, my daughter buying me balloons and making me a cake, my son giving me all of his red and purple Skittles -- none of things cost much as at all, and yet everyone of them were priceless to me.  I'm so thankful the Lord heard the cries of this pathetic, birthday girl and let not one special things happen, but many!  I think I must be the most blessed woman in the world!!

Leave a light on...

Classes started back for me this past Thursday after nearly two weeks off.  The break was amazing; I slept A LOT and caught up on TV shows I had missed and spent too much time watching Netflix! I spent a lot of time with my children and husband; enjoyed family dinners, games, movies. It was incredible. So when the time came for me to go back to school, it was extremely difficult to tear myself away.

On the flip side, I always get excited when classes start back. It is always thrilling to open a new text book, fill my binders with a stack of clean, white paper, print the syllabus for each class, fill out my calendar for the coming weeks...so many things to do and I love each one of them!  I get a little giddy about delving into a new subject and learning something I have not yet learned.  As you can see, this leaves me very conflicted!!

On one side of my life, I have 5 people who love me and depend on me and need me in a thousand different ways. On the other side of my life, I have my education and everything that entails.  Family. School. Two completely different entities, two completely different loves, two areas of my life that don't exactly mesh well! When I'm with the family, I think about school and when I'm in school, I think about everything I am missing at home. Sometimes, especially at the beginning of a new quarter, I feel like my heart is being ripped out of my chest every time I pull out of the driveway.  Sound a little dramatic? Perhaps, but it is no less real to me. Being a wife and a mother has been the most important thing to me for over two decades. Being a student for the last six years has not diminished that in the slightest. However, as a student, it is not enough to be adequate, I have high expectations for myself and accept nothing less than 100% effort on my part.  So there are many times when I struggle with making sure everything and everyone gets exactly the amount of attention it/they need.  Sometimes, I fail. And unfortunately, I fear that I fail at home.

It is easy to make sure a paper gets written by the due date or that I have sufficiently prepared for a test. It is more difficult to make sure I am available at the exact moment one of my girls is having a meltdown or that I am there when someone needs to break up a fight between the boys. I can't count the number of times I have been on the phone moments before class starts, putting out fires at the house.  I rush off the phone and sit down in class only to be overcome with guilt that I am not there with my family.

As a mother, it is never easy to be torn between two worlds...two passions. We try to be Wonder Woman but, many times we fall short and we wonder if we have it in us to keep up the pace. If we are truly capable of holding it all together.  I have those moments, times when I think the family will fall apart if I'm not there or that I am hurting my family because I am chasing my dreams.  Then I will turn on to my street, tired in mind and soul and I pull up to my house and I see the warm glow of lights in the house and the porch light left on in anticipation of my return. And I get an incredible sense of peace wash over me.  As I walk into the house and hear the quiet, stillness that is present, I realize that everyone is still alive and breathing. Homework is finished, kitchen is clean, dogs have been fed...we are team, my family and I.  We're in this crazy life together and they know I want to be with them, but they understand how important this is to me. And contrary to my fears, no one has killed anyone, no one has ended up in therapy due to my absence, our family has yet to make it on the evening news -- overall, I think that's a pretty good record!  I know that we will make it through this chapter in our lives and move into the next.  And as long as they continue to leave a light on for me, I will always know that I am not alone and everything is going to be just fine.