Classes started back for me this past Thursday after nearly two weeks off. The break was amazing; I slept A LOT and caught up on TV shows I had missed and spent too much time watching Netflix! I spent a lot of time with my children and husband; enjoyed family dinners, games, movies. It was incredible. So when the time came for me to go back to school, it was extremely difficult to tear myself away.
On the flip side, I always get excited when classes start back. It is always thrilling to open a new text book, fill my binders with a stack of clean, white paper, print the syllabus for each class, fill out my calendar for the coming weeks...so many things to do and I love each one of them! I get a little giddy about delving into a new subject and learning something I have not yet learned. As you can see, this leaves me very conflicted!!
On one side of my life, I have 5 people who love me and depend on me and need me in a thousand different ways. On the other side of my life, I have my education and everything that entails. Family. School. Two completely different entities, two completely different loves, two areas of my life that don't exactly mesh well! When I'm with the family, I think about school and when I'm in school, I think about everything I am missing at home. Sometimes, especially at the beginning of a new quarter, I feel like my heart is being ripped out of my chest every time I pull out of the driveway. Sound a little dramatic? Perhaps, but it is no less real to me. Being a wife and a mother has been the most important thing to me for over two decades. Being a student for the last six years has not diminished that in the slightest. However, as a student, it is not enough to be adequate, I have high expectations for myself and accept nothing less than 100% effort on my part. So there are many times when I struggle with making sure everything and everyone gets exactly the amount of attention it/they need. Sometimes, I fail. And unfortunately, I fear that I fail at home.
It is easy to make sure a paper gets written by the due date or that I have sufficiently prepared for a test. It is more difficult to make sure I am available at the exact moment one of my girls is having a meltdown or that I am there when someone needs to break up a fight between the boys. I can't count the number of times I have been on the phone moments before class starts, putting out fires at the house. I rush off the phone and sit down in class only to be overcome with guilt that I am not there with my family.
As a mother, it is never easy to be torn between two worlds...two passions. We try to be Wonder Woman but, many times we fall short and we wonder if we have it in us to keep up the pace. If we are truly capable of holding it all together. I have those moments, times when I think the family will fall apart if I'm not there or that I am hurting my family because I am chasing my dreams. Then I will turn on to my street, tired in mind and soul and I pull up to my house and I see the warm glow of lights in the house and the porch light left on in anticipation of my return. And I get an incredible sense of peace wash over me. As I walk into the house and hear the quiet, stillness that is present, I realize that everyone is still alive and breathing. Homework is finished, kitchen is clean, dogs have been fed...we are team, my family and I. We're in this crazy life together and they know I want to be with them, but they understand how important this is to me. And contrary to my fears, no one has killed anyone, no one has ended up in therapy due to my absence, our family has yet to make it on the evening news -- overall, I think that's a pretty good record! I know that we will make it through this chapter in our lives and move into the next. And as long as they continue to leave a light on for me, I will always know that I am not alone and everything is going to be just fine.
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