"Mamma, who is Alice Rose?"

The other day my little girl, who is now eleven, said "mom, don't be mad, but I need to ask you a question."  Of course, this intrigued me, I can't think of a time I ever got angry because they had something to ask or talk to me about. I am typically, very calm and laid back about most things. So, I was a little worried but said "ok, ask."  She took a deep breath and said "mamma, who is Alice Rose?"  I was stunned; I hadn't heard that name in a long time so I said "Why do you ask?"  She said "I found a box in the top of the closet with her name on it...do I have a sister I don't know about?"  She looked worried and excited all at the same time. I asked her where the box was and we crawled up on the bed and I told her the story of little Alice Rose.  
Back in 1999 we were stationed in Rota Spain and I found out I was pregnant. My older two were 3 & 4 at the time. My oldest, a girl, was SO excited at the prospect of a baby -- she was so sure from day one that this was going to be a sister and no one would ever convince her any differently. In the beginning of the pregnancy, I was excited but also aware that it was early and something could still happen. By the time I got to 10 weeks I was beginning to feel pretty confident that everything was going to be okay. I kept a pregnancy journal, we talked to the baby, sang to the baby, bought the baby clothes and shoes (girl stuff, of course!)  We even bought a car seat/stroller combo which we all put together. Life was perfect.  I was the happiest woman on the planet, truly, and nothing could dampen my spirits.
Until Sept 3...I started spotting.  I went to the clinic on the base where they assured me everything was fine, it was normal, just the baby settling in.  I went home feeling relieved only to wake up the next morning and find that I was bleeding even more. I went in to the clinic again, they did a pregnancy test that showed my levels were very high, great news.  Then they decided to do an ultrasound, just to put my mind at ease.  The doctor did not like what he saw so he paged the OBGYN who took one look at the ultrasound said "sorry, there's no baby there." I was  confused, then obstinate. No way, there was no way the baby was just 'gone.'  I had positive tests results, I was 14 weeks and already had a little baby bump. It was impossible.  So then the doctor explained to me what a molar pregnancy was. When the egg and the sperm connected, one of them was lacking in adequate DNA so what started out as a baby became a tumor. A large mass of cells - a heartbreak. I was shell shocked and devastated and then angry and eventually fell into the deepest "depths of despair"  to quote Ann of Green Gables.  My sweet little girl was also heart broken, she wanted that baby so much.  She asked me if she could name her so I said yes and she wanted to know if it was okay to name the baby after her (hence the Rose) and of course, I assured her it was perfect. And that is the story of Alice Rose.
After I explained all of this to my daughter, I opened the box of keepsakes. The hospital had given me a little box with a poem, and a tiny heart pillow and a tiny gold ring. Bill had brought me flowers in the hospital and I had received numerous cards. The box also contained the pregnancy test and the pregnancy journal I had kept. I read the various entries to my daughter then came up on the entry I had made the day the baby died. I want to share that with you.
      "Today I found out that you no longer exist. Today I feel my heart is breaking. My tears flood but no relief comes. I miss you so much already. I miss the promise of you. The dreams I had for you. Tonight, for the last time, I lay my hands on my still full stomach where you lived for such a short time. I ache to know you and hold you. I am so sorry if I did anything to cause this. I loved you from the moment you were conceived. At this point I don't know if I will ever feel joy again...I miss you so bad...I feel so empty." (The next day, I had a D&C.)
    Wow...I can't even write that without crying but there is a reason I wanted to share this.  I look at the person I was then and everything that has happened in my life since that day. I have since had two amazing children, whom I might not have had otherwise. This miscarriage was a turning point in my life - more of the story that I can't even go into in this blog - but definitely this was a life changing moment for me.  I remember that feeling of emptiness, the feeling that I would never be happy again.  But, that was not to be.  I overcame the depression, the incredible, overwhelming sadness.  I made myself get out of bed every day, I cleaned and cooked and played with my children. Eventually, there were good days peppered in among the bad and eventually, the good ones out numbered the bad. And somehow, my little Alice Rose, became a distant memory. I am thankful for her because without that experience, I might not be the person I am today.
  We will go through heartbreak in our lives...probably everyone reading this knows that by experience. But it won't last forever.  The pain will ease, the bad days will become fewer.  I would be remiss if I did not say how incredible God was to me during this time. He, the Great Comforter, had a plan for me that I could not see. He knew that I needed this loss in my life, for so many reasons I can't even count. He was also there to catch me when I fell.   Nothing in life is permanent, not the good or the bad.  Every day brings new experiences, new trials, new joys.   Embrace all the moments; good and bad.  We don't know God's plan for our life, we don't know where he is taking us.  We just have to have faith that he is in control and he knows what is best for us!  So if you're struggling with heartache - if the pain is so much you don't think you can take it... hold on!!  It won't last forever...put your heart and your faith in the Lord. He will hold you, he will dry your tears like no one else...he truly is The Great Comforter!