September 5, 1999 I was three months pregnant with my third baby. I went to the doctor because I was spotting and we found out the baby had died. It was a TERRIBLE day...absolutely horrible. The worst day in my life up to that point, only to be succeeded by another heartbreaking miscarriage March 11, 2002. At the time of this miscarriage, I had already had another baby and the miscarriage happened on his first birthday. The second loss was much harder than the first. I was experiencing anger in a way I had never experienced. I don't think I even cried - I felt like if I cried, I would never stop. So I just got mad.
When I lost the first baby, my little girl was only four. She was so devastated, she already had a little brother and was really hoping for a sister. Telling her was quite possibly the most difficult thing I have ever done. She cried like her heart was broken. We let her name that baby and she chose Alice Rose. I don't know if it was a girl or not, but she was very certain it was a sister. The second baby I lost, I couldn't even name. The anger and hurt was so much bigger. I had been a little farther along and had seen and heard the heartbeat a couple of times. There was nothing as big as my pain.
The Christmas of '99, I purchased an ornament for the baby we lost. It is a beautiful replica of baby Jesus in a manger. We started a tradition that year; it was the first ornament we put on the tree then we held hands and prayed. We thanked God for those few months we had with our unborn child, we thanked him for the ones that he has blessed us with and thanked him for all of his blessings, even when at times, it is hard to see beyond the pain. Over the years, we have stuck to that tradition and while I can barely get through the prayer without tears, it has brought me such peace and healing. As our other children have come along, we have explained the significance of this ornament. We tell them about the children we have in Heaven and that someday, we'll get to meet them. As the years have passed, we have added to the list of loved ones who have gone one. Both of the babies I mentioned before, and my third son had a twin that died very early in pregnancy are a part of the prayer now. Several years ago, my husband's baby brother died and now he is part of that time of remembering.
The past few months, I have seen several of my Facebook friends experience the devastating loss of someone very close to them. Two of my friends have lost children, another one lost her brother and another sweet friend lost her husband. My heart aches for them every day because while I have experienced loss, I have never experienced one so deep. Today, on the cusp of the Christmas season, I think of all of those that I know and even families across the nation who will struggle to get through the holidays due to overwhelming grief and sadness. Today I lift them up in prayer, hoping they can find a modicum of the peace that I have found. If you have lost someone, maybe a special tradition or ornament dedicated to them will allow you to feel as if they are part of your celebration. Those we love and lost would want us to remember them with love and celebrate their memories. Today this blog is dedicated to them and to all my angels in Heaven. Remember my sweet babies, momma will always love you!
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