Today was my birthday. I know as an adult, I am supposed to have outgrown all the things kids like about birthdays, but I just haven't been able to accomplish that as of yet! I love presents and I love surprises and I love when someone goes to the effort to make me feel special. As this birthday was looming, I knew it was going to be different. It fell on a week day and a day when I have class at night. So, I knew I was going to spend the day by myself and then have to go to class just as all of my family was coming home and settling in. I thought I was okay with that. I was wrong.
My alarm woke me up at 5:30 this morning and as I rolled over to get out of bed, my husband stopped me. He said "it's your birthday, I've got this." Now, you have to know my husband to realize how big of a deal this is!! He likes his sleep and has been spoiled for a long time and has not had to do this very often. The kids are on a staggered bus schedule, so it is can be a complicated process. Then there is the packing of the lunches, ensuring everyone has their back packs ready to go, keeping any eye out for the bus while the child find their belt, id card, brain...yeah, you have to be a well-oiled machine! Then there are the personalities of the children. I have two that are absolute bears in the morning. I have learned that they just need space in the morning and are not really capable of conversation at all. If you do not understand this, things can go down hill very quickly!! As I laid in bed, I waited for the inevitable discord that would ensue because, well, their dad isn't exactly familiar with the early morning children versus the late afternoon children! Alas, however, the discord did not develop! It was so peaceful, I even fell back asleep! I woke up frantically a little while later and was quite sure someone had missed the bus. And yet, there they were, watching patiently for the bus, all dressed, fed and ready to go, two down and only two left. I was amazed and impressed with my husband! I decided to snuggle back into bed and accept the fact that I was dispensable!!
I woke up later in the day and was excited for a quiet lazy morning but as the day wore on, I became kind of bummed. I realized that I was going to spend my entire birthday alone and then when my family got home, I would be gone. It became such a big deal, I actually found myself wanting to just sit down in a corner and cry! I felt like the entire day was going to pass and there would be no one to acknowledge my birthday and that nothing special was going to happen. I did not want to pick up the phone and call anyone because it was so pathetic and there was no way I was going to cry on anyone's shoulder! So, I turned to the one person who is always there for me...the one true friend I can rely on when I feel as if I am all alone. I prayed for comfort for my ridiculous feelings. I told the Lord how much I loved birthdays and how I just wanted this one to mean something, I just wanted something different to happen...I just wanted to feel special for 5 minutes!! I asked God to just let something wonderful, no matter how small, to happen.
My 13 year old son came home from school and came into the living room immediately and wished me happy birthday then told me he had a present for me. He pulled a bag of Skittles out of his pocket, an open, nearly empty bag of Skittles. I thought it was so sweet that he was sharing with me then I opened the bag and saw that the candy that was left were all purple and red; my favorite flavors. This young boy had deliberately chosen to NOT eat the ones he knew his mom loved and ate all the other ones. It was my first gift of the day and, quite honestly, the best one. It was the sacrifice, the unselfishness he displayed. He made me feel like a princess.
Then my 11 year old daughter came home and immediately hugged me and asked me what I wanted to do before I had to go to school. So we sat together and watched one of our favorite shows and afterwards I told her that I was so sad I had to leave and she looked at me and said "mom, please don't go. Please stay home with us. It's your birthday!" That was it. I was gone in that moment and decided this was more important than any class. The way her face lit up when I told her I decided to play hooky was priceless! Knowing that she wanted to spend my birthday with me, knowing it meant that much to her, that made me feel special.
My college aged daughter then came home with bags of goodies in which I was not allowed to look. She ordered me to stay out of the kitchen for the foreseeable future. They were all in the kitchen for awhile, then they disappeared upstairs for some mysterious reason. I was in the living room reading when I heard my son yell to me to go to the back patio. I walked out the door and into the yard and there, on top of the roof of my patio, were three of my children with laundry baskets full of balloons they dumped on my head while they yelled "Happy Birthday!!" It was precious and made me feel so loved!
My husband then came home and he too, disappeared into the kitchen. I was once again left alone in the living room until I was led to the kitchen table. There were two cakes...well sort of. On one plate there were 4 Hostess cupcakes loaded with candles. This 'cake' was my husband's idea of a birthday surprise for me. On the other plate was a chocolate cake with chocolate frosting full of candles that my kids had made for me. They were all 5 just standing there looking at me, so proud of themselves and what they had managed to pull off. It was the most beautiful sight! I blew out my candles wondering what a woman wishes for when she has everything in the world.
Today started out kind of gloomy, but ended up being amazing. I got my birthday present a couple of months ago, so I wasn't expecting anything today. But I really did not need anything big or expensive to make me feel loved and appreciated. A card from my kids in which they tell me how much they love me, my husband letting me sleep late while he took care of the kids, my daughter buying me balloons and making me a cake, my son giving me all of his red and purple Skittles -- none of things cost much as at all, and yet everyone of them were priceless to me. I'm so thankful the Lord heard the cries of this pathetic, birthday girl and let not one special things happen, but many! I think I must be the most blessed woman in the world!!
Monday, March 17, 2014
Friday, March 14, 2014
Leave a light on...
Classes started back for me this past Thursday after nearly two weeks off. The break was amazing; I slept A LOT and caught up on TV shows I had missed and spent too much time watching Netflix! I spent a lot of time with my children and husband; enjoyed family dinners, games, movies. It was incredible. So when the time came for me to go back to school, it was extremely difficult to tear myself away.
On the flip side, I always get excited when classes start back. It is always thrilling to open a new text book, fill my binders with a stack of clean, white paper, print the syllabus for each class, fill out my calendar for the coming weeks...so many things to do and I love each one of them! I get a little giddy about delving into a new subject and learning something I have not yet learned. As you can see, this leaves me very conflicted!!
On one side of my life, I have 5 people who love me and depend on me and need me in a thousand different ways. On the other side of my life, I have my education and everything that entails. Family. School. Two completely different entities, two completely different loves, two areas of my life that don't exactly mesh well! When I'm with the family, I think about school and when I'm in school, I think about everything I am missing at home. Sometimes, especially at the beginning of a new quarter, I feel like my heart is being ripped out of my chest every time I pull out of the driveway. Sound a little dramatic? Perhaps, but it is no less real to me. Being a wife and a mother has been the most important thing to me for over two decades. Being a student for the last six years has not diminished that in the slightest. However, as a student, it is not enough to be adequate, I have high expectations for myself and accept nothing less than 100% effort on my part. So there are many times when I struggle with making sure everything and everyone gets exactly the amount of attention it/they need. Sometimes, I fail. And unfortunately, I fear that I fail at home.
It is easy to make sure a paper gets written by the due date or that I have sufficiently prepared for a test. It is more difficult to make sure I am available at the exact moment one of my girls is having a meltdown or that I am there when someone needs to break up a fight between the boys. I can't count the number of times I have been on the phone moments before class starts, putting out fires at the house. I rush off the phone and sit down in class only to be overcome with guilt that I am not there with my family.
As a mother, it is never easy to be torn between two worlds...two passions. We try to be Wonder Woman but, many times we fall short and we wonder if we have it in us to keep up the pace. If we are truly capable of holding it all together. I have those moments, times when I think the family will fall apart if I'm not there or that I am hurting my family because I am chasing my dreams. Then I will turn on to my street, tired in mind and soul and I pull up to my house and I see the warm glow of lights in the house and the porch light left on in anticipation of my return. And I get an incredible sense of peace wash over me. As I walk into the house and hear the quiet, stillness that is present, I realize that everyone is still alive and breathing. Homework is finished, kitchen is clean, dogs have been fed...we are team, my family and I. We're in this crazy life together and they know I want to be with them, but they understand how important this is to me. And contrary to my fears, no one has killed anyone, no one has ended up in therapy due to my absence, our family has yet to make it on the evening news -- overall, I think that's a pretty good record! I know that we will make it through this chapter in our lives and move into the next. And as long as they continue to leave a light on for me, I will always know that I am not alone and everything is going to be just fine.
On the flip side, I always get excited when classes start back. It is always thrilling to open a new text book, fill my binders with a stack of clean, white paper, print the syllabus for each class, fill out my calendar for the coming weeks...so many things to do and I love each one of them! I get a little giddy about delving into a new subject and learning something I have not yet learned. As you can see, this leaves me very conflicted!!
On one side of my life, I have 5 people who love me and depend on me and need me in a thousand different ways. On the other side of my life, I have my education and everything that entails. Family. School. Two completely different entities, two completely different loves, two areas of my life that don't exactly mesh well! When I'm with the family, I think about school and when I'm in school, I think about everything I am missing at home. Sometimes, especially at the beginning of a new quarter, I feel like my heart is being ripped out of my chest every time I pull out of the driveway. Sound a little dramatic? Perhaps, but it is no less real to me. Being a wife and a mother has been the most important thing to me for over two decades. Being a student for the last six years has not diminished that in the slightest. However, as a student, it is not enough to be adequate, I have high expectations for myself and accept nothing less than 100% effort on my part. So there are many times when I struggle with making sure everything and everyone gets exactly the amount of attention it/they need. Sometimes, I fail. And unfortunately, I fear that I fail at home.
It is easy to make sure a paper gets written by the due date or that I have sufficiently prepared for a test. It is more difficult to make sure I am available at the exact moment one of my girls is having a meltdown or that I am there when someone needs to break up a fight between the boys. I can't count the number of times I have been on the phone moments before class starts, putting out fires at the house. I rush off the phone and sit down in class only to be overcome with guilt that I am not there with my family.
As a mother, it is never easy to be torn between two worlds...two passions. We try to be Wonder Woman but, many times we fall short and we wonder if we have it in us to keep up the pace. If we are truly capable of holding it all together. I have those moments, times when I think the family will fall apart if I'm not there or that I am hurting my family because I am chasing my dreams. Then I will turn on to my street, tired in mind and soul and I pull up to my house and I see the warm glow of lights in the house and the porch light left on in anticipation of my return. And I get an incredible sense of peace wash over me. As I walk into the house and hear the quiet, stillness that is present, I realize that everyone is still alive and breathing. Homework is finished, kitchen is clean, dogs have been fed...we are team, my family and I. We're in this crazy life together and they know I want to be with them, but they understand how important this is to me. And contrary to my fears, no one has killed anyone, no one has ended up in therapy due to my absence, our family has yet to make it on the evening news -- overall, I think that's a pretty good record! I know that we will make it through this chapter in our lives and move into the next. And as long as they continue to leave a light on for me, I will always know that I am not alone and everything is going to be just fine.
Saturday, February 15, 2014
Let's talk about Valentine's Day!!
Valentine's Day. A day for many, filled with expectations. For others, mainly single people, it's a day that some dread because they feel it is a reminder that they have not yet found their soul mate. Whatever your feelings on the 14th of February, I would like to offer my perspective.
As you know, I have been married for more than 20 years. There have been times during those years when my husband did not meet the expectations I had for the holiday. It was kind of strange because it seemed to vary from year to year; one year I might get candy and a card and the next year, he did nothing. This past week I saw many posts on Facebook with women proclaiming they think the day is "stupid" or "over commercialized" all the while claiming they don't need a day set aside for their husbands to proclaim their love. I have, at one point or another, heard the same thing from my better half. And this is what I think about THAT...
I am not a materialistic woman. I don't need expensive gifts; please don't anyone EVER buy me a pair of diamond earrings or a pricey necklace! When my hubby and I were dating, sometimes he would stop by the store and buy me one of those little boxes of chocolate milk because he knew I loved it so much! A couple of times he stopped by a field and picked me a handful of wild flowers. I adored those flowers more than a $50 bouquet of roses from a florist. Why? Because the effort, the time and thought put into it meant more to me than the amount of money he spent. But let me tell you what happened. Baby #1, baby #2, baby #3 and baby #4 happened! Then they started growing...date night was pretty infrequent because by the time you paid a babysitter, there was little money for dinner or a movie, forget both in the same night! We needed diapers more than I needed chocolate milk! As for time, which everyone knows is far more precious than money, there was little of that left over as well. As the children all became school aged, we were spread between homework, carpool, ball games, ball practice, piano lessons, cheer practice, etc etc etc. Even though we proclaimed our love for each other on a daily basis, the sweet little gestures seemed to fall by the wayside. We were in the middle of raising four young children and that took all of our resources. Valentine's Day became a big deal. It was the one day (besides our anniversary) when we made sure we got a sitter, saved money for dinner and perhaps a small gift for each other. Did it mean that we did not love and care for each other the other 364 days of the year? No. Did it mean that we didn't show it in small, simple ways? No, of course we did. But this was the day to do something special, unique.
My husband didn't always understand how important this was for me. I remember a Valentine's day when he didn't even acknowledge it with a card. I was heartbroken. I was spending all day, everyday, taking care of children, changing diapers, transporting kids to and fro and while I loved my life, I really didn't think it was too much to expect my husband to take that one day and make me feel special. So, instead of getting mad at him, I just told him. He honestly did not realize that it was important to me and made the effort after that to do something nice. Usually, it wasn't a big deal, just something small and a card but I loved the message he wrote to me in the card. That was better than any piece of jewelry.
This year he did something completely different. I came home from class Monday night to find a huge Valentine Card on the bed. Ever day this week he surprised with a little something and it made me feel so loved and special. And I really appreciated him going to the effort. All in all, it probably didn't cost him more than $25, but for me, it was priceless.
Now, here is why I chose to write about this today. This is for all the young couples out there who think this day is stupid or unnecessary. Try not to be so rigid in your thinking. There will likely come a time when you are so busy, so strapped for time and money that the days of doing special things for each other all the time becomes a distant memory. Be open to the idea that having a day set aside to make a point to express your love, affection and appreciation might not be such a ridiculous concept. And to the young brides who want their husband to do something on this day, but they don't. TELL THEM! Communicate your expectations and disappointments with your spouse. I've been a young wife who sat back and saw all these other women being showered with gifts and felt left out; as if I wasn't quite special enough for my husband to make even the smallest gesture for me. Always remember that our husbands aren't mind readers and they are built different than women. They don't always understand what is going on within us and sometimes they just need some direction. I have no doubt my husband loved me, but sometimes, he just didn't know how to show it in the way I could receive it. And if you read this and still are convinced you don't need a day set aside for your spouse to show he loves you, then I am happy for you. But let the rest of us look forward to February 14th! For some of us, we might not slow down again until then!!
As you know, I have been married for more than 20 years. There have been times during those years when my husband did not meet the expectations I had for the holiday. It was kind of strange because it seemed to vary from year to year; one year I might get candy and a card and the next year, he did nothing. This past week I saw many posts on Facebook with women proclaiming they think the day is "stupid" or "over commercialized" all the while claiming they don't need a day set aside for their husbands to proclaim their love. I have, at one point or another, heard the same thing from my better half. And this is what I think about THAT...
I am not a materialistic woman. I don't need expensive gifts; please don't anyone EVER buy me a pair of diamond earrings or a pricey necklace! When my hubby and I were dating, sometimes he would stop by the store and buy me one of those little boxes of chocolate milk because he knew I loved it so much! A couple of times he stopped by a field and picked me a handful of wild flowers. I adored those flowers more than a $50 bouquet of roses from a florist. Why? Because the effort, the time and thought put into it meant more to me than the amount of money he spent. But let me tell you what happened. Baby #1, baby #2, baby #3 and baby #4 happened! Then they started growing...date night was pretty infrequent because by the time you paid a babysitter, there was little money for dinner or a movie, forget both in the same night! We needed diapers more than I needed chocolate milk! As for time, which everyone knows is far more precious than money, there was little of that left over as well. As the children all became school aged, we were spread between homework, carpool, ball games, ball practice, piano lessons, cheer practice, etc etc etc. Even though we proclaimed our love for each other on a daily basis, the sweet little gestures seemed to fall by the wayside. We were in the middle of raising four young children and that took all of our resources. Valentine's Day became a big deal. It was the one day (besides our anniversary) when we made sure we got a sitter, saved money for dinner and perhaps a small gift for each other. Did it mean that we did not love and care for each other the other 364 days of the year? No. Did it mean that we didn't show it in small, simple ways? No, of course we did. But this was the day to do something special, unique.
My husband didn't always understand how important this was for me. I remember a Valentine's day when he didn't even acknowledge it with a card. I was heartbroken. I was spending all day, everyday, taking care of children, changing diapers, transporting kids to and fro and while I loved my life, I really didn't think it was too much to expect my husband to take that one day and make me feel special. So, instead of getting mad at him, I just told him. He honestly did not realize that it was important to me and made the effort after that to do something nice. Usually, it wasn't a big deal, just something small and a card but I loved the message he wrote to me in the card. That was better than any piece of jewelry.
This year he did something completely different. I came home from class Monday night to find a huge Valentine Card on the bed. Ever day this week he surprised with a little something and it made me feel so loved and special. And I really appreciated him going to the effort. All in all, it probably didn't cost him more than $25, but for me, it was priceless.
Now, here is why I chose to write about this today. This is for all the young couples out there who think this day is stupid or unnecessary. Try not to be so rigid in your thinking. There will likely come a time when you are so busy, so strapped for time and money that the days of doing special things for each other all the time becomes a distant memory. Be open to the idea that having a day set aside to make a point to express your love, affection and appreciation might not be such a ridiculous concept. And to the young brides who want their husband to do something on this day, but they don't. TELL THEM! Communicate your expectations and disappointments with your spouse. I've been a young wife who sat back and saw all these other women being showered with gifts and felt left out; as if I wasn't quite special enough for my husband to make even the smallest gesture for me. Always remember that our husbands aren't mind readers and they are built different than women. They don't always understand what is going on within us and sometimes they just need some direction. I have no doubt my husband loved me, but sometimes, he just didn't know how to show it in the way I could receive it. And if you read this and still are convinced you don't need a day set aside for your spouse to show he loves you, then I am happy for you. But let the rest of us look forward to February 14th! For some of us, we might not slow down again until then!!
Friday, January 31, 2014
"Mom, he gave me a ticket for a free car wash...I'm not sure what to do."
When our children are little, we look forward to every 'first.' If at all possible we make sure we are there for the first smile, first laugh, first tooth, first step...first of everything! If we come home from a long day at work or a short trip to the store and find out that we were absent during a milestone in our child's life, we feel so dejected. This was a once in a life time experience and we missed it! So we fight and maneuver our way to ensure, to the best of our ability, that this doesn't happen. I remember when my oldest was about to lose her first tooth. I WANTED to be there! I wanted to be the one to pull it. I sent a note to her teacher and said to please not let her pull her tooth while she was at school. If I went to the store, I made sure my husband knew that I wanted to be there and he better not pull that tooth while I was gone!! A little obsessive? Yes, I suppose, but I had not missed anything in her life up to that point and I had no intention of starting! Thankfully, I was there when it was time for that wee little tooth to come out and to the best of my recollection, I haven't missed any of the major firsts of any of my four kids. I was able to stay home with them and every time I experienced a new developmental milestone with my children, I realized how incredibly blessed I was.
Time has passed quickly and that little kindergartner who was anticipating her first loose tooth has become a grown woman; a college student with a job, a car, a checking account. She is independent and smart and fairly self-sufficient. So, I always find it endearing when she encounters something she has yet to experience and needs my assistance. It is for this reason, when I received a phone call from her yesterday telling me that her inspection sticker was expiring in two days and she didn't know what to do, that my heart just kind of melted a little and I couldn't help the smile that took over my face. Of course, I told her I would go with her and show her where to go and what she needed to do. It was a learning experience; she did not have a her updated insurance card so we had to call her dad and have it faxed over and she had a fun time finding her registration in her less-than organized glove compartment! In the end, she learned something new about being an adult. I then took her to a place to have air put in her tires, another first that she has not had to experience. I left her there and went on my way to run errands and about two minutes later my phone rang. "Mom, he gave me a ticket for a free car wash...but I've never gotten a car wash before, I'm not sure what to do." Again, a smile broke out across my face and I patiently explained the procedure. She seemed kind of bashful and embarrassed because of her inexperience but I assured her that we all have to have firsts in order to learn new things. By the end of the day, she was empowered in new ways and next time she needs to take care of some simple vehicle maintenance, she will be very capable! Next week we learn about getting an oil change!
Maybe for some of you, these things seem so small. But, when you've never had to do these things, it can seem daunting. As a mother, my goal is to raise independent, self-sufficient, Christian adults who have good work ethic and are an asset to society. That being said, however, it is kind of sweet when a child who thinks they are so grown and so smart and know SOOO much, still come to you for help with things that to us, seem so simple. So, to add to all the firsts I never missed, first smile, first tooth, first word, I can now add first vehicle inspection, first tire maintenance and first car wash. The rewards of being a parents are all around us, in small, seemingly insignificant ways perhaps, but if you look for them, they are numerous!!
Time has passed quickly and that little kindergartner who was anticipating her first loose tooth has become a grown woman; a college student with a job, a car, a checking account. She is independent and smart and fairly self-sufficient. So, I always find it endearing when she encounters something she has yet to experience and needs my assistance. It is for this reason, when I received a phone call from her yesterday telling me that her inspection sticker was expiring in two days and she didn't know what to do, that my heart just kind of melted a little and I couldn't help the smile that took over my face. Of course, I told her I would go with her and show her where to go and what she needed to do. It was a learning experience; she did not have a her updated insurance card so we had to call her dad and have it faxed over and she had a fun time finding her registration in her less-than organized glove compartment! In the end, she learned something new about being an adult. I then took her to a place to have air put in her tires, another first that she has not had to experience. I left her there and went on my way to run errands and about two minutes later my phone rang. "Mom, he gave me a ticket for a free car wash...but I've never gotten a car wash before, I'm not sure what to do." Again, a smile broke out across my face and I patiently explained the procedure. She seemed kind of bashful and embarrassed because of her inexperience but I assured her that we all have to have firsts in order to learn new things. By the end of the day, she was empowered in new ways and next time she needs to take care of some simple vehicle maintenance, she will be very capable! Next week we learn about getting an oil change!
Maybe for some of you, these things seem so small. But, when you've never had to do these things, it can seem daunting. As a mother, my goal is to raise independent, self-sufficient, Christian adults who have good work ethic and are an asset to society. That being said, however, it is kind of sweet when a child who thinks they are so grown and so smart and know SOOO much, still come to you for help with things that to us, seem so simple. So, to add to all the firsts I never missed, first smile, first tooth, first word, I can now add first vehicle inspection, first tire maintenance and first car wash. The rewards of being a parents are all around us, in small, seemingly insignificant ways perhaps, but if you look for them, they are numerous!!
Tuesday, January 28, 2014
"Come here mommy...please, just come here for a moment."
Today I spent hours writing a paper that is due on Thursday. For some people, the idea that I am intent finishing a paper that isn't due for two days, may seem odd. However, for me,not having an assignment completed with only two days to spare before an assignment is due is a travesty!!! I typically have everything written at least a week before the due date, so I was feeling behind and quite frankly, considered myself to be something of a slacker. For this reason, when my daughter got home from school, I greeted her briefly and said "I have to finish this and then we can relax tonight," then I went back to my computer. I did feel a modicum of guilt over my hasty retreat from her presence, but in my mind, I had a great excuse.
As I got lost in all the psychobabble bouncing around in my head, I became oblivious to the time and to everything going on around me. Suddenly, my wee girl called to my office and said (rather dramatically) "mommy, come here please!" I asked her what she wanted as I continued to pound on the keyboard. Again she said "mommy, please come here, I need you to see something!" Once again, I inquired as to the emergency. After a minute, she walked in and came right up to the desk and took my hand off the keyboard and said "please mommy, please come here." So I pushed away from my computer, feeling pleased with myself for the way the information was flowing out of me and hoping I didn't lose my momentum, and followed my little redhead through the house, wondering what the emergency was. She guided me to the den, picked up a blanket from the hallway and walked me right over to the couch and said "sit", so, of course, I sat yet feeling slightly befuddled. She bent over and put my legs on the couch, then crawled on my lap and pulled the blanket over us and laid her head on my chest. OH MY GOODNESS. My heart just melted right there in my chest and I squeezed my little girl and just sat. I did nothing, I said nothing, I just enjoyed the moment.
All of my children are precious and I have enjoyed those types of moments with each of them over the years. But, they are all growing up so fast and while I still spend time with my older three, they have all moved beyond the days of crawling up in my lap for some cuddle time. I am so thankful that my sweet girl had the courage to just come tear me away from my work and remind me what is truly the most important thing in my life. As I write this, I am sitting with my two youngest, watching an episode of Psych and enjoying the quiet house, the pleasant atmosphere, and laughing with my children. Having the ability to go to school is a blessing, but these kids...there is nothing like spending time with them. I hope I always remember what is truly important. And if I start to forget, I hope one of you will remind me!
As I got lost in all the psychobabble bouncing around in my head, I became oblivious to the time and to everything going on around me. Suddenly, my wee girl called to my office and said (rather dramatically) "mommy, come here please!" I asked her what she wanted as I continued to pound on the keyboard. Again she said "mommy, please come here, I need you to see something!" Once again, I inquired as to the emergency. After a minute, she walked in and came right up to the desk and took my hand off the keyboard and said "please mommy, please come here." So I pushed away from my computer, feeling pleased with myself for the way the information was flowing out of me and hoping I didn't lose my momentum, and followed my little redhead through the house, wondering what the emergency was. She guided me to the den, picked up a blanket from the hallway and walked me right over to the couch and said "sit", so, of course, I sat yet feeling slightly befuddled. She bent over and put my legs on the couch, then crawled on my lap and pulled the blanket over us and laid her head on my chest. OH MY GOODNESS. My heart just melted right there in my chest and I squeezed my little girl and just sat. I did nothing, I said nothing, I just enjoyed the moment.
All of my children are precious and I have enjoyed those types of moments with each of them over the years. But, they are all growing up so fast and while I still spend time with my older three, they have all moved beyond the days of crawling up in my lap for some cuddle time. I am so thankful that my sweet girl had the courage to just come tear me away from my work and remind me what is truly the most important thing in my life. As I write this, I am sitting with my two youngest, watching an episode of Psych and enjoying the quiet house, the pleasant atmosphere, and laughing with my children. Having the ability to go to school is a blessing, but these kids...there is nothing like spending time with them. I hope I always remember what is truly important. And if I start to forget, I hope one of you will remind me!
Thursday, January 9, 2014
"For Pete's sake Sheila, read your own blog!!"
Christmas is my favorite time of year. I love the magic in the air, the secrets under the tree, the Christmas carols we sing at church, Christmas music blaring from my car stereo, my iPod, my computer. I love spending so much time with my kids, baking cookies, wrapping presents, shopping, watching every Christmas movie they play on TV. I get so giddy, I even see Christmas cheer in the green and red traffic lights! Nothing gets me down, no one, not the biggest Grinch in the world can dampen my spirit. Therefore, it is really not that much of a surprise that I kind of hate to see it all end. I miss my kids something terrible when the time comes for them to get back on that yellow school bus. I miss my hubby when he has to go back to work. Taking down the tree? That's just a Debbie downer right there!!
While I go through all of these emotions every year, they never last for long. I like the concept of a fresh calendar just waiting to be filled, new adventures I have yet to experience, 365 days of the unknown. All of these things are so exciting to me. So that's why this year it has surprised me at how desperately I clung to the old year and reluctantly drug myself into the new. I didn't even hang my new calendar for five whole days!! A travesty!!! Typically I look forward to the new school term and am so excited about my new classes and all the interesting things that are waiting to be discovered. But this year, I felt none of that. No motivation whatsoever. I wanted to just stay home, light candles, wear my fluffy socks and warm pj pants and just become a blob. I was ready to quit school and just become a movie critic or a go into some online business; anything that would allow me to never leave my house. I wasn't depressed, I just was...well...I hate to say it...LAZY!
Now typically, I would never share these thoughts or feelings with anyone. I am really good at giving myself a kick in the butt when I start to get like that, but yesterday, I was talking to a very good friend, my BFF, if you will. We were talking about everything and nothing then I found myself telling her how unmotivated I was and how tired I was of being in school and living my life around papers and deadlines; class schedules, leaving my family three nights a week. All of this just came pouring out and my friend started feeding my own material back at me. She told me I just needed to change my perspective; that I am so close to being finished, that I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. Then she looked at me (via facetime) and said "For Pete's sake Sheila, read your own blog!!" It shocked me and made me laugh. Who am I to give advice or encourage people if I am not willing to swallow a dose of my own medicine? So I humbly listened to one of my favorite people tell me all the things I've told her and I knew it was time to pull up my boot straps, stop whining and 'get 'er done!" Yes, I did just say that. I'm so ashamed.
Tonight I had my last class of the week and am happy to say I am feeling slightly (slightly) more motivated than I was last night. I genuinely enjoyed my classes and am getting slightly (slightly) excited about what I'm going to be learning this quarter. But more importantly I am starting to look forward to the new year. This year my husband turns the big 50. I am sending my oldest son off to college. My youngest son becomes a teenager! My baby girl starts middle school. My oldest is already in college and I am sure she will face many changes this year as well. And this time next year, I will be getting ready for graduation. Yes, this is going to be a great year!! I can feel it in my bones!!! Happy New Year everyone!!!
While I go through all of these emotions every year, they never last for long. I like the concept of a fresh calendar just waiting to be filled, new adventures I have yet to experience, 365 days of the unknown. All of these things are so exciting to me. So that's why this year it has surprised me at how desperately I clung to the old year and reluctantly drug myself into the new. I didn't even hang my new calendar for five whole days!! A travesty!!! Typically I look forward to the new school term and am so excited about my new classes and all the interesting things that are waiting to be discovered. But this year, I felt none of that. No motivation whatsoever. I wanted to just stay home, light candles, wear my fluffy socks and warm pj pants and just become a blob. I was ready to quit school and just become a movie critic or a go into some online business; anything that would allow me to never leave my house. I wasn't depressed, I just was...well...I hate to say it...LAZY!
Now typically, I would never share these thoughts or feelings with anyone. I am really good at giving myself a kick in the butt when I start to get like that, but yesterday, I was talking to a very good friend, my BFF, if you will. We were talking about everything and nothing then I found myself telling her how unmotivated I was and how tired I was of being in school and living my life around papers and deadlines; class schedules, leaving my family three nights a week. All of this just came pouring out and my friend started feeding my own material back at me. She told me I just needed to change my perspective; that I am so close to being finished, that I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. Then she looked at me (via facetime) and said "For Pete's sake Sheila, read your own blog!!" It shocked me and made me laugh. Who am I to give advice or encourage people if I am not willing to swallow a dose of my own medicine? So I humbly listened to one of my favorite people tell me all the things I've told her and I knew it was time to pull up my boot straps, stop whining and 'get 'er done!" Yes, I did just say that. I'm so ashamed.
Tonight I had my last class of the week and am happy to say I am feeling slightly (slightly) more motivated than I was last night. I genuinely enjoyed my classes and am getting slightly (slightly) excited about what I'm going to be learning this quarter. But more importantly I am starting to look forward to the new year. This year my husband turns the big 50. I am sending my oldest son off to college. My youngest son becomes a teenager! My baby girl starts middle school. My oldest is already in college and I am sure she will face many changes this year as well. And this time next year, I will be getting ready for graduation. Yes, this is going to be a great year!! I can feel it in my bones!!! Happy New Year everyone!!!
Saturday, December 21, 2013
"Why me mom? Why do I have this great life and she has nothing?"
My little girl got off the bus yesterday and walked in the house with tears streaming down her face. Of course, all of my mommy instincts kicked in and I was ready to take down whatever bully caused such pain to emanate from my daughter. I immediately asked her what was wrong, was she hurt, did she get in trouble, did someone do something to her. Exasperated, she said "no mom, it's nothing like that." Then I began to relax and took her to my room and climbed up on the bed with her to listen to her tale. She proceeded to tell me about a little girl who rides the bus with her. The little girl was crying on the bus so my daughter asked what was wrong. This young lady told my girl her life story. Her dad had stabbed her mother and killed her a few years ago. She has a little sister (I think she is in kindergarten), whom she takes care of. They live with their aunt who "doesn't treat them very good," their father is in prison and they never see him. Bawling, this little girl told my daughter she wanted to spend Christmas with her mommy. That she wanted to be with someone who loved her and cared for her. After my little girl spilled out this awful, heartbreaking story, tears flooded her beautiful cheeks, she looked at me and said "mommy, why me? Why me mommy? Why do I have this great life and she has nothing? Why do I have a mommy and daddy and presents and people that love me and she has no one?"
Oh my...let's take a minute and consider this question. So many times we hear the statement "why me?" However, typically, it is because someone is lamenting something that has happened to them; something they are experiencing that seems unfair. It is rare to hear someone ask the question because they see something unfair and awful happening to someone else, but they remain unscathed. Is it the childlike innocence that my little girl still possesses? Is it evidence of an inward beauty and love for others that prompted such a gut wrenching expression of sadness? I honestly don't know, but it broke my heart and made it swell with pride, all at the same time. What answer can a mother give to this question? And what can we do? My first instinct was to find the little girl, bring her into my home and give her everything she is missing. However, I recognize this might not be a realistic option. I took my sweet girl's face in my hands and I told her how much I love her heart and her compassion for others. I told her that all we can do is pray for this little girl every day that God will wrap her in his love and give her what she is missing. That he will help her aunt recognize her sadness and make her feel loved, make her feel special. These things all sounded so trivial as I was saying them, but at this point, they are the best that I have. But I can also teach my sweet baby to recognize all the blessings that we have and never take them for granted. To embrace everyone she loves and appreciate them, even with all their faults.
Last night we took our children out to look at lights in different neighborhoods. I have one child who is "too cool' for such nonsense and really wanted to beg out and spend the evening with his friend. I had another child who was just a little snippy with everyone. Another one whose goal in life is to antagonize those around him and one who was feeling upset to her tummy and thought she was going to puke! At various moments during the evening, I wondered what I was thinking: stuffing all six of us into the truck, riding around neighborhoods where no one had chosen to decorate their yards, trying to make this picture perfect evening with a vehicle filled with imperfect people! Then we found this yard. Oh my!! So big and beautifully decorated, with the lights set to a radio station. We pulled over and for about 7 minutes, the car was filled with the sounds of the Christmas season, the faces of all those I love watched in wonder as the light show amazed and astounded them. For seven brief moments, no one was too cool, no one was bickering, no one was threatening to vomit! For seven brief moments I felt a total and complete peace fill the car. We reluctantly pulled ourselves away from that lovely home and went to a local pizza joint. Around the table there was lots of laughing and joyful celebration. Together, we cleaned off an exorbitant amount of pizza and I was reminded of how blessed we all are. Every family has their issues. Every family is imperfect. Every family has the one that is too cool, the one that likes to argue, the one that is snippy, the antagonist and probably, the nauseated one! But, if you have a family that loves you. If you have a family you love. If you have even seven moments of perfect peace with them, you are blessed beyond measure. There are so many out there who would give their right arm for those seven minutes. So this Christmas, when you're with your great aunt Gertrude who is driving you crazy, or a dozen other family members who make you want to pull you hair out, take a minute and find something wonderful and amazing in those moments, and say a prayer of thanks! Merry Christmas everyone!!! May you all have at least seven perfect minutes!!
Oh my...let's take a minute and consider this question. So many times we hear the statement "why me?" However, typically, it is because someone is lamenting something that has happened to them; something they are experiencing that seems unfair. It is rare to hear someone ask the question because they see something unfair and awful happening to someone else, but they remain unscathed. Is it the childlike innocence that my little girl still possesses? Is it evidence of an inward beauty and love for others that prompted such a gut wrenching expression of sadness? I honestly don't know, but it broke my heart and made it swell with pride, all at the same time. What answer can a mother give to this question? And what can we do? My first instinct was to find the little girl, bring her into my home and give her everything she is missing. However, I recognize this might not be a realistic option. I took my sweet girl's face in my hands and I told her how much I love her heart and her compassion for others. I told her that all we can do is pray for this little girl every day that God will wrap her in his love and give her what she is missing. That he will help her aunt recognize her sadness and make her feel loved, make her feel special. These things all sounded so trivial as I was saying them, but at this point, they are the best that I have. But I can also teach my sweet baby to recognize all the blessings that we have and never take them for granted. To embrace everyone she loves and appreciate them, even with all their faults.
Last night we took our children out to look at lights in different neighborhoods. I have one child who is "too cool' for such nonsense and really wanted to beg out and spend the evening with his friend. I had another child who was just a little snippy with everyone. Another one whose goal in life is to antagonize those around him and one who was feeling upset to her tummy and thought she was going to puke! At various moments during the evening, I wondered what I was thinking: stuffing all six of us into the truck, riding around neighborhoods where no one had chosen to decorate their yards, trying to make this picture perfect evening with a vehicle filled with imperfect people! Then we found this yard. Oh my!! So big and beautifully decorated, with the lights set to a radio station. We pulled over and for about 7 minutes, the car was filled with the sounds of the Christmas season, the faces of all those I love watched in wonder as the light show amazed and astounded them. For seven brief moments, no one was too cool, no one was bickering, no one was threatening to vomit! For seven brief moments I felt a total and complete peace fill the car. We reluctantly pulled ourselves away from that lovely home and went to a local pizza joint. Around the table there was lots of laughing and joyful celebration. Together, we cleaned off an exorbitant amount of pizza and I was reminded of how blessed we all are. Every family has their issues. Every family is imperfect. Every family has the one that is too cool, the one that likes to argue, the one that is snippy, the antagonist and probably, the nauseated one! But, if you have a family that loves you. If you have a family you love. If you have even seven moments of perfect peace with them, you are blessed beyond measure. There are so many out there who would give their right arm for those seven minutes. So this Christmas, when you're with your great aunt Gertrude who is driving you crazy, or a dozen other family members who make you want to pull you hair out, take a minute and find something wonderful and amazing in those moments, and say a prayer of thanks! Merry Christmas everyone!!! May you all have at least seven perfect minutes!!
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