"Why me mom? Why do I have this great life and she has nothing?"

My little girl got off the bus yesterday and walked in the house with tears streaming down her face. Of course, all of my mommy instincts kicked in and I was ready to take down whatever bully caused such pain to emanate from my daughter.  I immediately asked her what was wrong, was she hurt, did she get in trouble, did someone do something to her. Exasperated, she said "no mom, it's nothing like that."  Then I began to relax and took her to my room and climbed up on the bed with her to listen to her tale. She proceeded to tell me about a little girl who rides the bus with her. The little girl was crying on the bus so my daughter asked what was wrong. This young lady told my girl her life story. Her dad had stabbed her mother and killed her a few years ago. She has a little sister (I think she is in kindergarten), whom she takes care of. They live with their aunt who "doesn't treat them very good," their father is in prison and they never see him.  Bawling, this little girl told my daughter she wanted to spend Christmas with her mommy. That she wanted to be with someone who loved her and cared for her.  After my little girl spilled out this awful, heartbreaking story, tears flooded her beautiful cheeks, she looked at me and said "mommy, why me? Why me mommy? Why do I have this great life and she has nothing? Why do I have a mommy and daddy and presents and people that love me and she has no one?"  

Oh my...let's take a minute and consider this question. So many times we hear the statement "why me?" However, typically, it is because someone is lamenting something that has happened to them; something they are experiencing that seems unfair.  It is rare to hear someone ask the question because they see something unfair and awful happening to someone else, but they remain unscathed.  Is it the childlike innocence that my little girl  still possesses? Is it evidence of an inward beauty and love for others that prompted such a gut wrenching expression of sadness?  I honestly don't know, but it broke my heart and made it swell with pride, all at the same time.  What answer can a mother give to this question? And what can we do? My first instinct was to find the little girl, bring her into my home and give her everything she is missing. However, I recognize this might not be a realistic option.  I took my sweet girl's face in my hands and I told her how much I love her heart and her compassion for others. I told her that all we can do is pray for this little girl every day that God will wrap her in his love and give her what she is missing. That he will help her aunt recognize her sadness and make her feel loved, make her feel special. These things all sounded so trivial as I was saying them, but at this point, they are the best that I have. But I can also teach my sweet baby to recognize all the blessings that we have and never take them for granted. To embrace everyone she loves and appreciate them, even with all their faults.

Last night we took our children out to look at lights in different neighborhoods. I have one child who is "too cool' for such nonsense and really wanted to beg out and spend the evening with his friend. I had another child who was just a little snippy with everyone. Another one whose goal in life is to antagonize those around him and one who was feeling upset to her tummy and thought she was going to puke! At various moments during the evening, I wondered what I was thinking: stuffing all six of us into the truck, riding around neighborhoods where no one had chosen to decorate their yards, trying to make this picture perfect evening with a vehicle filled with imperfect people! Then we found this yard. Oh my!! So big and beautifully decorated, with the lights set to a radio station. We pulled over and for about 7 minutes, the car was filled with the sounds of the Christmas season, the faces of all those I love watched in wonder as the light show amazed and astounded them. For seven brief moments, no one was too cool, no one was bickering, no one was threatening to vomit! For seven brief moments I felt a total and complete peace fill the car.  We reluctantly pulled ourselves away from that lovely home and went to a local pizza joint. Around the table there was lots of laughing and joyful celebration. Together, we cleaned off an exorbitant amount of pizza and I was reminded of  how blessed we all are.  Every family has their issues. Every family is imperfect. Every family has the one that is too cool, the one that likes to argue, the one that is snippy, the antagonist and probably, the nauseated one! But, if you have a family that loves you. If you have a family you love. If you have even seven moments of perfect peace with them, you are blessed beyond measure. There are so many out there who would give their right arm for those seven minutes.   So this Christmas, when you're with your great aunt Gertrude who is driving you crazy, or a dozen other family members who make you want to pull you hair out, take a minute and find something wonderful and amazing in those moments, and say a prayer of thanks! Merry Christmas everyone!!!  May you all have at least seven perfect minutes!!

"...um, no it's fine, you're not bothering me!"

Today I went to the Walmart to do some Christmas shopping and came upon a setup in the middle of an aisle. The bin was full of the little wax melts, which are the latest in olfactory enjoyment this season. There was a woman standing there and I said "oh these are so wonderful!" (I have them all over my house, which of course, I informed her.)  She made the unfortunate mistake of saying "Oh, are they?" Well...what was I to do??? So I explained all the different melting pots they have and the ones that plug into the wall, which are a waste of money. Then I informed her that Kirkland has a lot of different scents that are 'to die for'.  I just went on and on...I don't know what was wrong with me. We all know I like to talk, but this was unusual, ever for me.  At one point, I heard myself babbling and I said "oh, I'm sorry for bothering you, I'm just talking your head off!" To which she unwisely responded "Um...no, it's fine, you're not bothering me."  The "um" should have been a red flag to me, but in the state I am in, positively brimming with Christmas cheer, I remained oblivious to her, what was probably obvious, discomfort!

As I went along my day, from store to store, the story was repeated time and time again. On occasion I found a few people who met my enthusiasm with more of their own.  The women at the Subway where I had lunch were so friendly and cheerful, it was refreshing. And the gentleman at Academy also seemed to be infected with the Christmas Spirit.  However, along the way, I came in contact with a Grinch or two, but I was not to be deterred!  The Christmas season is just too short this year and I cannot contain my excitement!  So, if you live in the Shreveport/Bossier area, and you come across a woman who seems positively maniacal with a festive spirit, please just smile nicely and walk away...otherwise, you may end up standing in the aisle listening to that woman talk your ear off about something you find completely uninteresting! Merry Christmas Everyone!!!

"I've waited my whole life for this day!!"

For any of you who have ever raised a teenage boy, or perhaps were one, you will likely be able to relate with this story.  There are so many things you hear about raising teenagers, but when your children are young, it is IMPOSSIBLE to imagine that your precious angel will ever live up to the experiences your friends have had with their children. Then the day comes and you completely understand. It is like someone turned the light on and you saw the reality of what they were talking about. Oh the horror!!!

In all honesty, having teenagers in the house has been one of the most fun experiences I've had as a parent. However, if you ask my husband, he will vehemently disagree with me. Yes, my little darlings have fallen into so many of the stereotypes I had heard about, but knowing that you are not alone and your child is normal, makes it much easier to swallow. One of the things about raising boys that has astounded me, has been their ravenous appetite. I remember when my 17 year old first starting eating me out of house and home.  I was shocked that someone, who was still quite small, could put away the amount of food he did.  It never ceases to amaze me how we can all sit down to eat together and before I can even get food on my plate and pick up my fork, he has already engulfed his entire meal and is going for seconds! He once had a bunch of his football friends over to spend the night, and the next morning, they had literally raided my fridge and pantry. I was in shock - the next time they came over, I stopped by a pizza place, picked up four,  $5 pizzas and some soda. I was hoping a preemptive strike would save my supplies that were supposed to last two weeks!  While that child has slowed down a little on his consumption, my twelve year old son has just started down the same path.

I just recently noticed that it seems impossible to satisfy his never-ending hunger!  I came home the other day and asked him if he had eaten breakfast! (stupid question, I know)  He eagerly bragged that he had one large microwave sausage, then he had cooked two sausage patties, three fried eggs, toast and a yogurt!!  I was in shock!  It then dawned on me that we were headed down a similar path and that I wasn't quite sure I, or my checking account, was ready for another adolescent boy!  The crowning moment that showed me just how important food has become to this rather twiggy twelve year old, came on Saturday. My husband and I were going out to dinner, so it was just my youngest son and my two girls at home. He asked me what was for dinner and I told him his sisters were going to have some chicken strips and that he was welcome to put in a Tostinos pizza.  He looked at me sheepishly and said "can I have the WHOLE pizza? By myself?"  Now this is a question he has asked before, but I always make him share it with his sister. Since she had chosen something else, I said "Sure, just this once, you can have the whole thing."  The sheer joy that spread across his face was something to be in awe of as he exclaimed with overwhelming excitement "I've waited my whole life for this day!!!"   Really? A whole pizza?  Poor kid...who would have guessed I had been depriving him of a lifelong dream!

"Why do you love her more than me?" Said no dog ever! (I hope!)

As I told you in my introduction, we have more dogs than I am comfortable admitting to, however, while it may seem impossible, we love them all to death! They are all very spoiled and well taken care of. That being said, I have to remind my children that they are still dogs and do not have the same privileges we enjoy. They can't eat at the dinner table with us, sorry. They can't eat our food and they're not allowed on the furniture.  Now the latter rule is more recent and has met with some resistance from both the two-legged members of the family and the four-legged ones. Our previous set of furniture was more than a decade old and had holes in it and was basically, in extreme disrepair. The dogs were allowed on that couch. But now, I have a beautiful new set of leather furniture which, if one of the dogs even THINKS about approaching, affords them with a look that would wither a military general!  They seem to be adjusting well, but there is one little exception to the rule.

The exception is a little four pound black angel whose name is Jill. She is mine and mine alone. Jill can do no wrong and is denied nothing, basically.  I should, perhaps, feel a little bad for showing favor for one of my pets over the other, but I can say with total certainty, I do not.  I got her when she was six weeks old; she was the mate for my Yorkie Jack. Jack was my baby until he was hit by a car a few years ago. After that fateful day, Jill and I became best pals. As I write this blog, she is nestled beside me with her head on my leg. I do wonder sometimes though, if the other dogs notice the discrepancy in the treatment. When they look at me with those big brown eyes, are they thinking "Why do you love her more than me?"  Do they cry in their beds at night feeling as if they are less of a dog than Jill is?  Are they secretly plotting among themselves, my demise?  I wonder...

As a mother, I work VERY hard to ensure that I do not show favoritism for one child over the other. However, every now and then, one of my children will accuse me of such. Sometimes the older ones think the we are easier on the younger ones than we were on them. Other times, we're accused of punishing the little ones less than we punished the older ones. Many times I hear that the little ones have more privileges than the older ones had at the same age. From time to time, one will say that I spend more time with one of the younger ones than I spend with them.   On the flip side of the coin, the little ones will accuse me of favoring the older ones and 'taking their side' on a regular basis.   I've even been accused of letting the older ones get away with things they would never get away with.

While these accusations might seem like just adolescent dramatics, I always spend a few moments alone thinking about my actions, going over things and making sure I was fair. A wise friend once said to me "when someone accuses you of something, take a moment and sit with it and see if there is any truth. If there is truth, change it and if there isn't, then just let it go."  That advice has been so helpful to me both in friendships, in my marriage and as a mother. Sometimes, I'm accused of something and after careful introspection, I find there is some truth in it. While it is always disappointing, it gives me the opportunity to grow and improve myself.

One thing I do know as a mother, is that many of the things my children see as unfairness or disparity in treatment,  will someday look much different when applying an adult perspective. I rely on that knowledge to get me through some tough moments.  Another aspect of this, which I try to express to my older children, is that when they were little, we were just starting out on the journey of parenting. There was no rule book, no instruction manual.  Most of the time, we were flying by the seat of our pants and making it up as we went along.  Did we make mistakes? Yes! Were we too hard on the older ones when they were younger? Yes, I think at the time, we were.  Were we doing the best we could with the information we had? Absolutely!  I can't go back and undo the past but I can learn from my mistakes and failures and try to not repeat them.

One thing I know for certain.  Each of my children are amazing and will forever hold a piece of my heart. None of them will ever know how much I love them or what I would give for them.  Now...as for the dogs, yeah, Jill is my girl. There is no question.  Yes, she gets better treatment and I don't apologize for that. And the reason I can get away with this with my dogs and not my children...my dogs don't choose my nursing home!

"You're rich! You've got two different kinds of chips and one dad!"

While watching a show today with my little girl, I heard a statement that really made me think. The premise of the show is a family with three children who barely make ends meet. Their dishwasher can only run while the blow dryer is going, the washing machine is closed with duct tape and the roof leaks. This family never has two nickels to rub together. Then there is another family on the block. We don't know a lot about their financial situation, we just know that the kids are dirty and unruly and the mom is a little on the iffy side. In this particular episode the oldest daughter came in touch with the oldest son of the other family. At one point during the dialogue, the boy says to the girl "you're so rich!"  Astounded at this statement she inquired as to why he thought they were rich and he said "You've got two different kinds of chips and one dad!"  That made me think...how do we define wealth? Is it strictly financial? Or, is it possible that there is a wealth that goes beyond dollar signs.

In the past my children have asked me if we were rich and sometimes they ask me if we're poor.  The first question comes typically the first time they see me write a check or pay an enormously large grocery bill. The second question, I actually get more often and almost always after I have denied them something they believe they "need" but I am quite certain is just a want. I also get that question after they have been to the house of a friend whose TV is bigger than ours or has more than one video gaming system or has their very own iPhone!

I can't help but smile after they inquire as to our financial status that inhibits them acquiring the same 'toys' their friends have.  There are people in the world who would look at us and think we're just poor white trash! Until yesterday my living room furniture had holes in it, my television is only 32 inches, my front porch has spider webs and the white siding on my house needs to be professionally power washed. Then there are people who might think we are rolling in the dough. I drive a Camaro, my house is quite big, my children each have their own room and I just got new living room furniture.  It is all about perspective, isn't it?  Those who have more than us, might think we are lower than them while people who don't have as much as we do, might label us 'rich.'

   My husband and I have reached a point in our life that we are comfortable. We have been blessed in many ways, not the least of which is a job that allows us financial stability. However, there have been many years in our marriage when we did not have the income we have today, but did that make us any less blessed?  There were years when we had one car because we could not afford the insurance or gas for two. Years when we didn't have cable and when the thought of internet access in our home was merely a dream.  I have been the coupon queen, I have counted my pennies and made us live on a strict budget. But...were we poor? We never sat by the bedside of a child and watched them suffer. We never lost our house in a fire. We never struggled through the pain of divorce.   I think that financial blessings are only one facet of the ways in which we are enriched in our lives. I have been given four beautiful children who have never suffered any major physical or emotional problem. My husband and I have been married 22 years and still love each other and have a good time together. I have been given the ability to go back to school and get an education. Our kids are smart and funny and love the Lord and desire to live by the values and morals we have raised them with. We have great friends and family that we love. Our blessings are too numerous to count and many of them have nothing to do with how much money we make.

As we go through this Christmas season, maybe we could all take stock of the riches we have that are not related to our checkbook. Some of you might be dealing with a great loss, some might have lost their jobs and are struggling financially, some may be dealing with health concerns. No matter what you are going through, are there things in your life that you can be thankful for? Is there anyone who loves you and cares about you? Is there anyone you love? Do you have a bed to sleep in? A car to drive?  Do you have two different kinds of chips and one dad?  Maybe you just need a change in perspective...

For all my angels in Heaven...

September 5, 1999 I was three months pregnant with my third baby.  I went to the doctor because I was spotting and we found out the baby had died. It was a TERRIBLE day...absolutely horrible. The worst day in my life up to that point, only to be succeeded by another heartbreaking miscarriage March 11, 2002. At the time of this miscarriage, I had already had another baby and the miscarriage happened on his first birthday.  The second loss was much harder than the first. I was experiencing anger in a way I had never experienced. I don't think I even cried - I felt like if I cried, I would never stop.  So I just got mad.

When I lost the first baby, my little girl was only four. She was so devastated, she already had a little brother and was really hoping for a sister.  Telling her was quite possibly the most difficult thing I have ever done. She cried like her heart was broken. We let her name that baby and she chose Alice Rose. I don't know if it was a girl or not, but she was very certain it was a sister.  The second baby I lost, I couldn't even name. The anger and hurt was so much bigger. I had been a little farther along and had seen and heard the heartbeat a couple of times.  There was nothing as big as my pain.

The Christmas of  '99, I purchased an ornament for the baby we lost. It is a beautiful replica of baby Jesus in a manger.  We started a tradition that year; it was the first ornament we put on the tree then we held hands and prayed. We thanked God for those few months we had with our unborn child, we thanked him for the ones that he has blessed us with and thanked him for all of his blessings, even when at times, it is hard to see beyond the pain.  Over the years, we have stuck to that tradition and while I can barely get through the prayer without tears, it has brought me such peace and healing.  As our other children have come along, we have explained the significance of this ornament. We tell them about the children we have in Heaven and that someday, we'll get to meet them.  As the years have passed, we have added to the list of loved ones who have gone one.  Both of the babies I mentioned before, and my third son had a twin that died very early in pregnancy are a part of the prayer now.  Several years ago, my husband's baby brother died and now he is part of that time of remembering.

The past few months, I have seen several of my Facebook friends experience the devastating loss of someone very close to them. Two of my friends have lost children, another one lost her brother and another sweet friend lost her husband.  My heart aches for them every day because while I have experienced loss, I have never experienced one so deep.   Today, on the cusp of the Christmas season, I think of all of those that I know and even families across the nation who will struggle to get through the holidays due to overwhelming grief and sadness. Today I lift them up in prayer, hoping they can find a modicum of the peace that I have found.  If you have lost someone, maybe a special tradition or ornament dedicated to them will allow you to feel as if they are part of your celebration.  Those we love and lost would want us to remember them with love and celebrate their memories.  Today this blog is dedicated to them and to all my angels in Heaven.  Remember my sweet babies, momma will always love you!

...there I was, in my furry socks, dancing around like a fool...

This morning a beautiful little redhead made her way downstairs looking like she had lost her best friend. This wee little girl has had several disappointments in the last few days. We were supposed to get new furniture delivered, then the house flooded. We always put our Christmas tree up the day after Thanksgiving, but with the imminent repairs, we will have to put our decorating on hold for an undetermined amount of time.  And my sister was supposed to come for Thanksgiving but called last night to say that her boss (the horrible killer of dreams) decided everyone had to work on Black Friday.  My sweet baby was really looking forward to seeing her aunt and this was just the last straw! Last night she just bawled like a baby and apparently, this morning, the disappointment and sadness was still very present in her little heart.

Knowing that today was going to be difficult for her, I made her favorite breakfast: homemade waffles with hot syrup, as much bacon as she wanted and chocolate milk (out of the jug). But nothing could dry up the tears and put a smile on that beautiful face. As I was patiently trying to get her to talk, she began to rant. About everything! And about how unfair it was. Then she started to cry and said "Why can't Aunt D come? and why did the house have to flood and why does this have to happen right before Christmas?" And that's when I saw an opening. I said to her "well, we can be grateful it WASN'T Christmas time. Thankful that we didn't have the tree up and presents around it. Can you imagine how awful that would have been?"  Nothing. I got nothing out of her. She was not buying my Pollyanna Thankful routine.  Then I remembered the verse in the Bible that says "A merry heart doeth good like a medicine" so I decided to do one of the things I am GREAT at! Act like an idiot and make her laugh. I tried jokes - no dice. I tried tickling - if looks could kill.  Before I knew it, there I was in the kitchen, wearing my sweats and furry socks, dancing around like a fool...dancing like no one was watching and the next thing I knew, I heard a slight chuckle and looked over at her. She had her hands covering her mouth so tightly, trying not to laugh at me.  It was AWESOME!  I danced even more and started singing in my most terrible voice and before she or I knew what was happening, she could not contain her laughter.  It was a great moment between us and a great lesson.

As adults, we don't always like it when things do not go according to plan. We want to complain, some people actually do, but many people recognize the futility of that and just do what needs to be done. However, young children aren't always capable of seeing the bright side of a situation or the fact that getting really upset or angry is not going to change anything.  These are lessons that we as parents are responsible for teaching them. Show them there are still reasons to be grateful, even when they aren't very apparent. Show them there are reasons to smile, even when it feels like everything is falling apart.  Teach them to count their blessings - even if in that moment, they seem few.  Now...I need to get off here. I promised a certain little girl to do some baking with her.

May you all find many reasons to be Thankful this week and may you have a smile in your heart! Even if it means you have to dance like a fool to find it!  :)

Oh, you mean you DIDN'T want a pool in your living room?

When I started this blog, I did not have an agenda; there was no theme or plan as to how this was going to go. I just started writing; sharing with you things going on in my life and what I learned from them. Take for example my blog on marriage, when I wrote that, my husband and I were getting along famously. Of course, a few days later, things were not as rosy as before. Yet, every time I found myself getting irritated at little things, I remembered my own words I had previously written and realized that in order to be transparent and honest with you, I needed to make sure I was "doing as I say."  It really helped me get through a couple of rough days! It made me realize that the way I react to him and circumstances in my life are an example to others, even if it is only my own children. I once heard a quote "adversity doesn't build character, it reveals it." That has become my favorite quote and one I try to live by...and this past weekend, I had lots of opportunities...
Thursday I came home from a day of running errands, getting groceries, etc. I was tired and had a headache and realized I had about an hour and a half before my first little minion got off the bus, so I dropped my purchases in the hall and made a beeline for my bed intending to take, what I thought, was a well-earned nap!   Approximately 20 minutes later a strange noise woke me up. From the moment I opened my eyes, I knew something was incredibly wrong. I ran into the living room to find water literally pouring from the AC vent in the ceiling.  I ran upstairs, unsure of what disaster awaited me and from the steps could hear the water exploding in the little room that houses my hot water heaters.  I opened the door and one of the heaters was spewing scalding hot water into the air, all over the room and draining down through the floor into the living room below.  I frantically tried to find a cutoff valve on the heater but was unsuccessful.  I then ran down, searching for my phone to call my husband.  I wasn't in panic mode but I was frantic to turn off the water. Gallons of water were flooding the space between my top and bottom floor and the ceiling in my living room was already leaking in several places.  It took me approximately 20  minutes to find the cutoff valve by the street, find the wrench to turn it and then actually get the water turned off! The entire time my husband was the picture of calm; talking to me in a quiet voice, guiding me through the procedure. He was so serene, I really did not think he grasped what was happening in my home. In the face of my fearful (not) panic, he remained completely composed, infuriatingly together!
 My husband works about 45 minutes from our house, but I think he must have broken the sound barrier because it certainly does not seem like it took him that long to get there. By the time he arrived, he had already contacted a plumber and the insurance company. I had used every towel in the house trying to salvage my wood floor and my furniture and electronics - the place was a disaster area.  He walked in and we immediately started moving furniture and doing major clean up. Our children started straggling in from school and immediately started pitching in to help out. By eight o'clock that night, the disaster relief people had come and gone, pizza had been ordered and things were finally starting to calm down. It was about this time I noticed my husband was still in his uniform; gun and badge still on his belt. He had worked all day and come home to such chaos and just did what needed to be done. There were several moments during that evening when someone was mad at someone else, and tempers flared, but, that is to be expected when there is so much happening and people are on edge. But overall, we worked well as a team and got through a very difficult day. Many times that night, I thought about how thankful I am to have a husband who just jumps in and takes care of business. I'm also thankful for kids who have been taught good work ethic and knew that we needed them and were more than willing to do what needed to be done. And I'm incredibly thankful for good insurance - it is such a relief to know that all of the damage will be repaired at little cost to us.  So, while a pool in my living room wasn't exactly the way I planned on kicking off the holidays, it gave us all an opportunity to find new ways to be grateful!

Doesn't the Admiral know you get off at 5???

Years ago, when we were first married, my husband was a photo journalist in the Navy. We were living in Norfolk, Virginia at the time; a small apartment, one car and a dog. We knew we were only going to be there a few months before our next set of orders so we did nothing to remedy the 'one car' issue, therefore, I did not have the ability to get a job.  I spent my days cleaning, cooking, watching TV, reading (a lot) and playing with my puppy. I waited with bated breath for the end of the day when he would pull into the parking spot right beside our ground-floor apartment.  It was a 45 minute drive from the base to our home and he always arrived at 5:45.  It was the best time of my day and I looked forward to it with great anticipation.  One day, however, 5:45 came and went. I thought perhaps there had been more traffic than usual...so I waited.  And waited. And waited.  Finally, after a couple of hours, he showed up.  I had been so worried (this was before the days of cell phones) - I imagined him lying by the side of road, dead.  When he finally arrived, I felt an incredible sense of relief and then overwhelming frustration. I didn't understand why he was alive, yet so late.  He just nonchalantly said to me "sorry I'm late, the admiral was in town."  The admiral? So? I didn't get it. I looked at him and said "doesn't the admiral know you get off at 5?"   He just laughed...and laughed.  Befuddled and slightly impatient, I did not understand what was so humorous. He explained to me that when an admiral is in town and wants something done, you do it. No questions asked. I was quite offended that this admiral took my husband away from me. Over the years, I grew to understand the military life from the spouse perspective and became more patient with these types of situations.

As a wife, it is never easy to share our husband with the rest of the world. After 20 years in the military, my husband retired and went to work with our local sheriff department. For the most part, his hours are amazing.  He is the public information officer, which is basically five days a week, from 8 AM to 5 PM.  This past week, however, we had a big situation take place in our community and my honey has been working around the clock. One night he got in at 2 AM, another night, it was around 10 PM.  His phone has rang incessantly.  I have been very patient and understanding, grasping the enormity of the event and giving him the support and encouragement to do whatever he needed to do.  But last night, he got home in time for dinner but then his phone rang. We ended up eating without him again as he sat in the driveway responding to media queries and putting out little fires. He finally got inside and I heated up his dinner once again and got it all ready and his phone rang.  I kind of lost my cool. The longer he was on the phone, the more frustrated I became. I have not seen him in days, we have barely spoken two words to each other.  I had just about enough.  When he finally was finished, and we heated up his meal for the third time, I was trying to contain my irritation, but eventually it bled out into the conversation. I got snippy with him and ruined our first evening together in over a week.  

It's a horrible enemy, this jealousy bug. I allowed it to consume me for a little while and neglected to tell my husband how incredibly proud I am of him. That I recognize  how he selflessly gives himself to his job and community when they need him. He is patient and kind when he's dealing with reporters and family members.  He is ethical and above reproach.  He may not leap tall buildings in a single bound, but he is still a hero in my eyes and I love him.  If you have a husband (or wife) today that gives of themselves every day for other people, take a moment and tell him (or her) how proud you are of them. Even heroes need to know they're appreciated!!

How to be married...and happy!!

Yesterday on my Facebook, I asked people what they thought it takes to stay married. In a time when the divorce rate is 50%, it makes me wonder what is different between the two halves.
In my quest for various perspectives on this question, I found what I expected.  People talked about communication being the key. You must talk to each other about everything. Never go to bed angry. Keep the Lord first in your marriage and keep a strong personal relationship with him. There was also a conversation about intimacy and how important it is to keep the spark alive. One lady spoke of complacency and how it is a threat to marital bliss. Still others spoke of friendship and how important it is to be best friends with your mate. How vital it is to truly love the other person with an unselfish, sacrificial love.  I LOVED all of these responses and I agreed with them wholeheartedly.  And I feel like through the years, my husband and I have implemented all of these in an attempt to make sure we keep our marriage exciting and permanent.  However...in this blog, I want to go in a different direction. No, not murder. 

Before I go on, let me say that I know that everything I am about to say does not necessarily work for every marriage. Whenever there is infidelity or abuse, that is a whole other animal. Then you are dealing with a very wounded marriage and it may take greater strides in order to keep it going. I am a big advocate for counseling (which is a good thing considering my imminent career!) and think that having an unbiased third party give you an objective perspective can be very helpful.  I also feel it prudent to say that I do not know everything. Surprised?  Well, I'm sorry to burst your bubble, but I am so completely flawed and imperfect and if you don't believe me, ask my husband. I am sure he'll be happy to fill you in!!  However, I just want to share some practical things that have worked for me. 

First of all...who can I change?  Let me tell you this, I cannot change HIM. I have tried and I have failed! He is immovable!!  It dawned on me several years ago, I can only change me. I can't change the things he does that drive me crazy but I can control the way I react to those things. Even though we are both Christians and love the Lord and are on the same plane in so many areas, when I find myself always waiting on him, it is easy to forget my spiritual values and much easier to get mad at him.  When I learned this trick a few years ago, it really was a huge relief for me. And I learned some tricks, like when I make plans, I automatically give him twenty extra minutes. Sneaky, yes. Does it work? Yes.  Does it make things more peaceful? Yes.  Fabulous, problem solved! 

Another area that I struggle with is  letting things build up. We do communicate, boy do we communicate. We both like to talk so there is rarely a quiet moment around here. However, I don't like conflict or fighting and I never wanted to be a nag. So when he would do things I did not like, I try to just keep my mouth shut and let it go.  Well sometimes, after weeks and weeks of things just building up, I wake up one day and just want to smack him. Yes, I know, it's horrible and awful and you will probably just stop reading because you've discovered my dark side! But it's true. It's real life! So I realize that suddenly I have all of this frustration built up and I feel like I would be happier by myself.  I might even daydream about having that big ol' bed all to myself...then I realize how ridiculous I am being. The grass is never greener on the other side...it just depends on which way the light is shining. Sometimes you need to change your perspective.  When I find myself feeling very negative about my husband, I start listing all the things about him that are good.  It's not that difficult, everyone has good aspects, although, admittedly, sometimes you have to dig!!  Once I start listing his attributes, I start thinking of other things I like about him, then eventually the things I love about him. When you are really upset, it might help to actually write these things on paper! Makes them more real. 

Another thing that helps me is simple kindness. A couple of weeks ago, I was in the "put a pillow over his face while he's sleeping" phase.  I don't really like myself when I get like that and one evening I started to do something nice for him, just something simple that I do all the time, and I made the conscious choice to NOT do it. He never even realized one way or the other but I did. I knew what I had done and it tortured my soul.  Sometimes in marriage, we get so used to the other person being there. Sometimes we're kinder to people we don't even know than we are to our own spouse.  The next day I made a point to do at least one nice, unexpected thing for him. When I do this, it makes him smile and I love it when he smiles and when he's happy. It in turn makes me want to do more things for him that will elicit the same reaction. Before I know it, the negative feelings have all but faded away. 

We decided 22 years ago when we got married, that this was forever; good or bad, we were in it for the long haul. Over those years, I've always said to myself  "you're going to be with him forever, you can be happy or you can be miserable!"  There can't be an out, there can't be an exit clause.  It is a commitment, a promise, a covenant. We always said we would never even use the word divorce. My husband honored that promise, I, on the other hand, have on occasion thrown it out there. But my husband, who is a great man, always immediately said "we don't say that...it's not an option!"   And he's right...it can NEVER be an option. 

You will notice, not one of these strategies have anything to do with what he needs to do or what I need from him.  I can only control myself. But I am here to tell you, if we work on ourselves and we become the best spouse we can become, we will likely find what we are missing. There are so many other things I could tell you, so many thoughts and feelings I have on this subject and maybe, I'll revisit this topic. For right now, this is really long and my little chickens need to get their chores done and get in bed and for some reason I have never understood, when I'm sitting on my booty, they think they should be sitting on their booty!!  Time to crack the whip!!  (Metaphorically...calm down!)  :)  

Hi, I'm Sheila Davis and I like to talk.

Well...I'm finally doing it. At the coercion of several friends and my husband, I have decided to start a blog.  At first, it seemed like genuine interest in what I had to say. I thought perhaps they wanted me to start a blog so they could enjoy more of my rapier wit!  Maybe, my countless nuggets of wisdom are so enthralling, they are just clamoring for more. However, the more I think about it, the more I'm convinced that they are really just hoping that if I start a blog, it will put a stop to my never-ending Facebook statuses. Statuses that, apparently, take up an entire screen on the iPhone.  My response to that? Get an Android, screens are bigger and they won't have that problem!!  

So let me introduce myself.   My name is Sheila Davis. I am...what am I? I am a mother - of four. I am a wife - of one.  I am a sister - to three sisters. I am a college student - of six years. Yes, you read that right! I am in my sixth year of college, my second of Graduate school. I am majoring in counseling psychology. I have six months left of course work before I start my internship. Nine months of that and I become a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC).  I someday want to have a private practice here in our little town. 

I married at 19 to a Navy man. We've moved all over the world and have now settled in the south. Our kids, are of course, perfect. I mean. Please.  As if I needed to tell you that.  Aren't everyone's kids perfect? And wonderful? And geniuses?  I'm joking of course, our kids are wonderful, but they aren't perfect, they're smart, but not a genius among them. They're adorable...yeah, that one is 100% correct.  They are all good looking kids. But, it is possible that I am biased. 

As I have reached this point in my life, I find myself with so much to say. I have an opinion on...wait for it...wait for it...EVERYTHING!  I have been married 22 years on the 22nd of this month. I have a daughter who is a sophomore in college, a son who is a senior in high school, a 7th grade son and a 5th grade daughter. We have more dogs than I am comfortable admitting to and that is primarily my fault. I am a sucker for a puppy. And that's my only defense. I have learned quite a bit about marriage in the last 22 years and I've learned a thing or two about being a parent in the last two decades as well. Although, I do not know quite as much about parenting as my older children do, but I'm hoping (fingers crossed) that someday, I'll be as smart as they are. 

I am also a Christian and that is the most important thing about me. I was raised in a Christian home and accepted Jesus as my Savior when I was ten years old.   I trust him implicitly. I believe in him without reservation.  I love him unequivocally.  It is my faith in him that has molded me into the woman, mother, wife, student, person that I am today.  

I am also a conservative. Yes, I said it.  I am a Conservative Republican. But that doesn't mean I think all Republicans are right or even good, nor do think that all Democrats are bad or corrupt. I think that is pretty  even across the aisle.  I pretty much have an opinion on anything political. However, I don't always know what I'm talking about.  I do like to think that I am open minded - but not so open minded my brain falls out.

So that sums me up.  I hope you will come back frequently to see what I'm yammering about. I can't promise you'll learn a lot, but I promise to try to entertain you. I can't promise you'll always agree with me, but I do promise to respect and value your opinion if it is different than mine.  

Next topic of conversation....Marriage...You KNOW you can't wait to see what I have to say about that! :)